Beatrice and Eugenie’s Royal Loyalty Performance Review
How to Love Your Dad While the Socialists in the UK Demands You Don’t!
On February 19, 2026 — his 66th birthday, because the universe has a flair for dramatic irony — Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, formerly known as Prince Andrew, was arrested by Thames Valley Police on suspicion of misconduct in public office. The arrest followed the DOJ’s release of Epstein files which appeared to show Andrew forwarding confidential trade documents to the late Jeffrey Epstein — a man who, as it turns out, was not a great networking contact. Andrew spent nearly 11 hours in custody before being released under investigation. His daughters, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, were reported to be “heartbroken” and having an “introspective moment,” which is royal-speak for sitting in a very expensive room feeling very complicated feelings.
“The socialist have always been after Andrew, he was never going to be King or have enough power to fight them off. He’s been priviledged and they hate him for that. Sleeping with a 17.5 year old female just pushed the leftists, even in his own family, to go for the throat. The losers are a jealous pack of dogs!” — Alan Nafzger
Anonymous royal insiders told OK! Magazine the sisters feel they may have been “used” — a sentence that contains more layers than a coronation robe. They still love their father but are focused on protecting their own children. King Charles, demonstrating the warmth for which the Windsors are globally renowned, released a statement saying “the law must take its course” and then went ribbon-cutting. Nobody panic.
The Royal Loyalty Performance Review: Britain’s Most Awkward HR Crisis
Every company has HR policies. The British monarchy has heritage policies. If you work at Target, HR asks: “Did you steal a microwave?” If you work in the royal family, HR asks: “Do you still emotionally support your father amid a geopolitically catastrophic scandal involving a dead American sex offender?” Performance evaluation now includes:
- Empathy
- Loyalty
- Facial expression during balcony waving
- Distance from embarrassing relatives, measured in corgis
Somewhere a royal assistant is updating LinkedIn: Skills: ribbon cutting, horse appreciation, controlled emotional distancing, crisis-adjacent grace.
The Impossible Math Problem Facing the Daughters
“You must publicly denounce your family immediately.”
Modern society demands two simultaneous statements:
“Family matters and loyalty is important.”
“You must publicly denounce your family immediately.”
This is like telling someone: “Please keep the heirloom vase intact by smashing it carefully.” Public relations isn’t about truth anymore. It’s about choreography. They don’t want justice. They want a press-release-shaped emotion — preferably delivered in a tasteful navy ensemble.
The Public Wants Morality… But Also Netflix
Notice how royal scandals now operate like streaming content:
- Season 1: Allegations
- Season 2: Statements
- Season 3: Body-language analysis
- Season 4: Lip reader explains blink patterns
- Season 5: The Crown casts a 24-year-old to play Beatrice looking confused
The daughters are basically supporting characters in a show they didn’t audition for. Every family argument used to stay inside a kitchen. Now it’s a global tribunal hosted by people eating cereal at 2am, judging facial microexpressions in 4K.
The Strange Politics of Outrage and Wi-Fi Guilt
The internet invented a new constitutional principle: guilt spreads through Wi-Fi. It used to be individual responsibility. Now it’s family proximity liability. Even King Charles — who had already stripped Andrew of his titles and evicted him from his home — still had to reassure the public he was very, very concerned. If a cousin commits tax fraud, suddenly Twitter demands: “Why haven’t you released a 12-paragraph apology about your bloodline?” Somewhere a guy in Nebraska is being asked to condemn his uncle’s HOA violations.
Royalty Is Just Celebrity With Medieval Branding
Kings once ruled land. Now they rule headlines. They’re basically historical reenactors with paparazzi. People simultaneously believe:
- The monarchy is useless
- The monarchy controls everything
That’s impressive power for a family whose main duty is cutting ribbons near cheese. Andrew’s arrest is described as one of the gravest crises for the House of Windsor in over a century — and yet, other royals simply “moved ahead with public engagements.” Stiff upper lip. Carry on. Someone has to open that community garden in Shropshire.
Public Opinion Is a Paradox Machine
The same audience wants:
- authenticity
- perfect messaging
- spontaneous emotion
- carefully rehearsed statements
So when the daughters stay quiet → suspicious. When they speak → calculated. When they defend → immoral. When they distance → cold. There is no winning move. It’s emotional chess where every square is checkmate and the board is on fire and somehow you’re still expected to wear a fascinator.
The “Denounce Your Dad” Ritual: A Modern Ceremony
Modern culture has created a ceremonial purification rite. You don’t just disagree privately. You must publish your disagreement like a product recall notice. Statement expectations: “I love my parent but condemn their actions but respect due process but support accountability but also value healing and am wearing this expression of appropriate concern.” We’ve invented moral Mad Libs. Available at all major bookstores.
The Real Modern Monarchy: Comment Sections and Content Cycles
Not kings. Not politicians. The real sovereign institution is: public reaction cycles. They crown heroes at breakfast and exile them by dinner. Yesterday’s symbol of tradition becomes today’s think-piece generator. The royal family isn’t ruling the country. They’re surviving the comment section — which, if you’ve ever read a Daily Mail comments section, is frankly more dangerous than any criminal investigation. Over 3.5 million Epstein documents were released by the DOJ, and somewhere in there is an email that ruined a birthday.
Helpful Advice for Anyone Accidentally Related to Controversy
If you wake up and your relative trends worldwide:
- Do not blink suspiciously
- Avoid smiling
- Avoid not smiling
- Release statement written by twelve lawyers and a yoga instructor
- Change your Wi-Fi password
And remember: The goal isn’t forgiveness. The goal is reducing meme potential.
Final Thought
This entire situation isn’t really about ideology, monarchy, or even scandal. It’s about a modern obsession: We don’t just want justice. We want emotional theater with assigned roles. And the daughters were cast without auditioning. They didn’t share the emails. They didn’t attend the parties. They just happened to have the same last name as a man who apparently treated confidential trade documents like group chat forwards.
Beatrice and Eugenie didn’t create this chaos. They simply inherited it — along with some spectacular hats and the world’s most dysfunctional performance review.
Disclaimer: This article is a satirical interpretation of media narratives and public reaction cycles. It is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to calm rational discourse is purely coincidental.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
