Populists Say London Is Falling So They Can Finally Win at Monopoly, Claims Sadiq Khan While Tossing Go Directly to Jail Card Because Nothing Says Urban Collapse Like Owning Mayfair and Still Complaining London is, according to a growing chorus…
Global Right Declares War on London, London Remains Mildly Annoyed | City responds to ideological assault by continuing to exist expensively
Judge Bans London from Firing Workers Because Robots Need Us to Pay Taxes Too Court Rules Future Cannot Begin Until Present Stops Panicking London briefly flirted with the future this week, then was told by a judge to sit down…
London Police Apprehend Gentleman Who Only Wanted to Visit Kensington Palace Gardens Twice Because His GPS Was Confused Royal Security Confirms Google Maps Now Classified as a National Threat Kensington Palace, a place historically associated with royalty, restraint, and politely…
Britain Has “Lost the Internet” — A Real News Story Told Through Ridiculously British Lenses Britain has reportedly lost the internet — like queue discipline, the Empire, and any hope of a summer without rain — according to senior officials…
London Council Declares “National Nap Day,” Citizens Respond by Napping at Work Anyway Because Government Permission Is Mostly Optional In a move that could only happen in a city famous for bureaucracy and understatement, the London City Council officially declared…
London Tube Announces New Map, Commuters Still Pretend They Understand It Because If You Can’t Read It, Just Look Confused and Nod Transport for London unveiled its latest Tube map redesign this week, promising “clarity, accessibility, and visual appeal.” Commuters, however, responded…
Far-Right Rally in London Mistaken for Awful Carnival Where No One Got Candy Tens of Thousands March for National Pride, Leave With Mild Sunburn and No Clear Demands London hosted yet another mass demonstration this week, this time featuring flags,…
London’s Fireworks So Big They Registered as an Earthquake, Tourists Say It’s the Most English Thing Ever New Year Celebrations Confirm Britain Prefers Explosions to Emotional Honesty London welcomed the New Year in its traditional manner by detonating several million…
Allies Bomb Syria Again, Call It ‘Targeted’ Because They Meant To | Precision defined by intention rather than consequence
Fatal Crash Followed by Flight Home, Because Geography Solves Everything | Authorities explain that borders are clear even when accountability is not
US Special Forces Pass Through UK, Assure Everyone It’s Just a Quick War Stop | Officials insist troop movements are routine, casual, and absolutely not worth imagining
UK Told Stability Matters Most, Especially for Man Currently in Charge | Nation reassured change will arrive eventually, just not today
Report Asks If Tony Blair Influenced Trial, Britain Replies: ‘Define Influenced’ | Semantics become final defence
UK Investigates Whether Tony Blair Quietly Hovered Over Justice System | Former leader’s presence described as “non-interfering proximity”
Iranian Diaspora Rallies in UK, Politicians Offer Thoughts, Prayers, and Distance | Demonstrators demand action as officials perfect the art of sympathetic separation
UK and France Bomb ‘Suspected’ ISIS Site, Confident It Looked Terroristy Enough | Officials confirm suspicion remains cheaper than certainty
UK Welcomes Back Driver From Fatal Incident, Pretends This Is Normal News | Officials stress procedure whilst public struggles to locate correct reaction
Britain and France Launch Precision Strike After Map Appears to Have Circle Drawn on It | Defence sources praise clarity of marker pen
Allies Confirm Successful Airstrike on Something Near Syria That Definitely Needed It | Operation hailed as necessary without clarifying why
