A satirical investigation into avian organized crime
Pigeons: The Feathered Gangsters of Trafalgar Square
Trafalgar Square’s pigeons aren’t birds. They’re a criminal organization operating in broad daylight with complete impunity. They’ve successfully established a protection racket where tourists pay them in breadcrumbs in exchange for not being aggressively pecked. It’s mobster behavior with feathers.
The Organizational Structure
There’s definitely a hierarchy. The largest pigeonsthe Don Corleone typesperch on the top of statues, surveying their territory. The mid-level operatives flutter between tourists, assessing pocket contents and threatening pecks if bread isn’t immediately forthcoming. The young pigeons are foot soldiers, operating in packs, attempting to appear simultaneously adorable and vaguely dangerous.
The Intimidation Tactics
A pigeon’s approach is calculated. First, they establish visual contact with a sandwich. Then they begin the “slow waddle”physically approaching in a way that’s not technically threatening but absolutely feels threatening. If you don’t surrender food, they escalate to aggressive head tilting, a move that implies “we can do this the easy way or the hard way.”
The Business Model
They’ve recognized that tourists are fundamentally irrational. Someone will pay actual money for bird seed specifically to attract birds to peck at their hands. Pigeons recognized this. They’ve weaponized human stupidity into a reliable income stream. As BBC London coverage notes, pigeon populations have inversely corresponded with tourist satisfaction levels.
The Territorial Control
Trafalgar Square is pigeon territory. Nelson’s Column is the headquarters. The square’s perimeter represents the border of their domain. Cross it with a sandwich and they mobilize. It’s not personalit’s business. They’re protecting their investment.
The Immune System Problem
London’s pigeons are genuinely terrifying creatures. They’ve survived things that would obliterate other birds. They’re missing toes. They have eye infections. They’ve clearly been in actual fights with London’s infrastructure. And they’re still here. Still aggressive. Still demanding food. These are birds that have already won against worse odds.
The Government Failure
The city keeps trying to eliminate pigeons. Falcons are occasionally deployed (they mostly just get the spectators’ attention). Spikes are installed on buildings (the pigeons colonize them anyway). It’s a war the city is losing. The pigeons have accepted that they’re in this for the long game.
What makes London’s pigeon situation so remarkable is the complete absence of shame. These birds have no dignity and they don’t need any. They’ve out-strategized humanity. The Guardian’s environmental coverage has diplomatically avoided discussing how a species of rats with wings has achieved dominance over one of the world’s major cities.
SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine’s investigation into avian crime
https://bohiney.com/
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
