Patients Both Seen and Not Seen Until Receptionist Observes Waiting Room
Quantum Mechanics Meets General Practice
The National Health Service revolutionized healthcare delivery this week by implementing a “Schrödinger’s Appointment” system, where patients simultaneously exist in states of being scheduled and cancelled until a receptionist directly observes the waiting room. NHS officials described the innovation as “cost-effective” and “philosophically ambitious.”
Wave Function Collapse at 9am Sharp
Under the new system, patients booking appointments enter a quantum superposition. “You both have a 2pm slot and don’t have a 2pm slot,” explained Dr. Helena Markham, NHS Chief of Theoretical Medicine. “The reality only crystallizes when you arrive and we decide whether to acknowledge your existence.”
The programme emerged after NHS administrators realized they’d accidentally been operating this way for years. “We’re just making it official,” said one receptionist, who may or may not have been behind the glass partition.
Patient Response Uncertain
Early feedback suggests patients appreciate the honesty, if not the healthcare. Robert Chen, 52, reported being both cured and still ill after his appointment. “The doctor prescribed medication that both exists in my system and doesn’t,” he said. “I feel simultaneously better and worse.”
The British Medical Association expressed concerns that the system might “undermine conventional medicine,” but admitted it’s hard to argue with results you can’t definitively observe.
When asked about implementation timelines, NHS Digital confirmed appointments would begin “at some point, maybe, depending on your frame of reference.” Waiting lists now include a new category: “Metaphysically Delayed.”
SOURCE: https://thedailymash.co.uk/
Charlotte Whitmore is a satirical writer whose work bridges student journalism and performance-inspired comedy. Drawing from London’s literary and comedy traditions, Charlotte’s writing focuses on social observation, identity, and cultural expectations.
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