Coroner’s Office Issues Belated Finding on Murdered Monarch
Justice Delayed is Justice Extremely Delayed
A coroner’s inquest concluded Tuesday that King Henry VI’s 1471 death in the Tower of London was “a bit dodgy, really,” citing the suspicious timing of his demise immediately after his rival Edward IV seized power. The finding comes only 553 years after the incident, setting a new record for bureaucratic efficiency in royal murder investigations.
Forensic Breakthrough
Chief Coroner Sir Reginald Bumblesworth announced the verdict after reviewing historical documents and applying “basic common sense.” “The official story claimed Henry died of ‘melancholy,'” Bumblesworth noted, “which is medieval for ‘we killed him but are calling it something else.’ Our investigation revealed he was likely murdered, possibly with a blunt object, definitely with malice aforethought.”
The inquest heard testimony from several historians impersonating 15th-century witnesses. All agreed Henry’s death was suspiciously well-timed, occurring precisely when it benefited Edward IV most. Medieval political convenience was cited as the primary cause of death.
Modern Implications
“This changes everything,” said Tower of London tour guide Malcolm Pritchett. “Now I can say with official certainty that Henry was murdered, which is what I’ve been telling tourists for 20 years anyway.”
The Metropolitan Police confirmed they would not be reopening the investigation as the prime suspects have been “rather inconveniently dead for five centuries.”
SOURCE: http://thedailymash.co.uk/
Mei Lin Chen is a student writer whose satire explores identity, modern culture, and social nuance. Her work reflects academic curiosity and engagement with Londonâs diverse perspectives.
Expertise is growing through study and practice, while trust is supported by clear intent and responsible humour.
