Government Launches Initiative To Restore Confidence In Initiatives
New Programme Addresses Public Scepticism About New Programmes
Ministers have unveiled an ambitious initiative designed to rebuild public faith in governmental initiatives, following decades of initiatives failing to achieve their initiative-based objectives. The programme, announced with considerable fanfare and minimal detail, aims to demonstrate that this time, unlike all previous times, things will definitely be different.
Taskforce Established to Prove Taskforces Work
“We recognise that people have lost confidence in our ability to deliver,” acknowledged the newly appointed Minister for Delivering Confidence in Delivery. “Which is precisely why we’re launching this comprehensive initiative to show we can deliver initiatives that deliver on delivering what we promised to deliver.”
The announcement came during a lavish press conference costing £340,000, where officials explained how future initiatives would demonstrate better value for money than previous initiatives that promised better value for money. “This is a watershed moment,” declared speakers who’ve declared seventeen previous watershed moments, none of which involved actual water or discernible moments.
“Governments love initiatives,” said Frankie Boyle. “It’s like having New Year’s resolutions you can abandon publicly whilst blaming someone else.”
Roadmap Published for Journey to Nowhere Specific
A 287-page roadmap details the initiative’s implementation strategy, though pages 3-286 consist primarily of aspirational language and clip art. “We’re being completely transparent about our vision,” explained civil servants who redacted most of the vision before publication. “The journey toward journey-planning has officially begun.”
Key performance indicators include “demonstrating commitment,” “showing determination,” and “appearing to care,” with success metrics focused on effort rather than outcomes. “We’re moving from output-based thinking to input-based thinking about output-based metrics for input-based programmes,” clarified a strategy consultant charging £2,400 per day to clarify nothing.
“Business consultants are brilliant,” said James Acaster. “They’re paid millions to tell you what you already knew but in PowerPoint form with more jargon.”
Billion Pounds Allocated to Explaining Previous Billion Pounds
Treasury officials have approved £1.2 billion in funding to address why £1.8 billion in previous funding failed to address the problems £2.3 billion in earlier funding was supposed to solve. “This represents a significant investment in understanding where previous significant investments went,” noted the Chancellor, gesturing at charts showing money flowing into consultancy firms.
Opposition parties condemned the spending as wasteful whilst promising to waste different amounts on different initiatives achieving identical non-results. “We would never launch a poorly planned initiative,” declared Shadow ministers planning poorly. “Our poorly planned initiatives would be completely different.”
Cross-Party Commission Agrees to Disagree Constructively
A parliamentary committee has been established to build consensus on why consensus-building hasn’t worked. Members representing opposed viewpoints have united in believing unity is impossible whilst agreeing to disagree about whether disagreeing prevents agreeing.
“Democracy is two wolves and a sheep voting on dinner,” said Stewart Lee. “Except the wolves can’t agree which sheep and the sheep’s lobbying for vegetarian options.”
Select committee hearings stretched over fourteen sessions, generating 4,000 pages of testimony confirming what everyone already knew: previous initiatives failed. “This represents important fact-finding,” celebrated the chair. “We found facts. Admittedly facts about not finding facts previously, but definitely facts.”
Pilot Scheme Tests Whether Pilot Schemes Worth Piloting
Regional trials have been launched to determine if trial programmes produce results worth trialling. “We’re piloting the pilot,” explained local authority leaders piloting explanations about pilots. “Once we’ve tested whether testing works, we’ll test the testing framework that tests the tests.”
Early results suggest the pilot is successfully demonstrating that pilots demonstrate very little except the need for more pilots. “The data is promising,” announced researchers whose funding depends on promising data. “Promising more research, specifically.”
“Pilot schemes are perfect,” said Ed Byrne. “You can claim you’re doing something whilst ensuring it never has to actually work at scale.”
Stakeholder Engagement Engages Stakeholders in Engaging Stakeholders
Extensive consultations have been conducted to understand why previous consultations failed to produce understandable outcomes. “We’ve listened,” confirmed officials who stopped listening, “and what we’ve heard is that people want us to listen, which we’re doing by conducting listening exercises about listening.”
Community forums generated 12,000 responses overwhelmingly stating that nobody reads consultation responses. “This is valuable feedback,” noted administrators filing feedback unread. “It tells us communities value feedback mechanisms valuing feedback, which validates our validation processes.”
“Public consultations are theatre,” said Sarah Millican. “Everyone knows the ending’s already written, but we all pretend the performance matters.”
Success Redefined to Match Likely Outcomes
Programme objectives have been carefully calibrated to ensure achievement regardless of achievement. “We’re setting realistic targets,” announced project managers setting unrealistic targets they’d later redefine as realistic. “Success means different things to different people, which gives us flexibility in claiming success means whatever we end up doing.”
Measurement frameworks now focus on “journey indicators” rather than “destination metrics,” allowing celebration of effort irrespective of results. “We’ve travelled far,” officials will declare, omitting that they’ve travelled in circles whilst remaining stationary.
Marketing Campaign Sells Initiative to Initiative-Fatigued Public
Advertising firms have been commissioned to convince citizens that this initiative differs from previous initiatives despite being indistinguishable from previous initiatives. “Our research shows people distrust government programmes,” explained marketers, “so we’re rebranding distrust as ‘healthy scepticism’ and framing the same old rubbish as ‘bold new thinking.'”
“Advertising can sell anything,” said David Mitchell. “They convinced us bottled water was better than tap. Convincing us government works is amateur hour.”
Focus groups indicated respondents associated government initiatives with failure, waste, and disappointment. “Excellent,” celebrated strategists. “That means expectations are low enough that we might accidentally exceed them by merely existing.”
International Examples Studied, British Exceptionalism Applied
Researchers have examined successful programmes from Nordic countries, Asian economies, and developed nations, concluding that Britain is too unique for successful programmes to work. “What works elsewhere won’t work here,” explained officials explaining why nothing works here. “We’re special. Specifically, specially bad at implementing good ideas.”
The OECD has published reports comparing UK initiative outcomes with international benchmarks, placing Britain firmly in the “ambitious announcement, mediocre delivery” category alongside several developing nations and one failed state. “We’re punching above our weight,” spun ministers, “in the sense that we’re hitting ourselves repeatedly whilst claiming victory.”
“Britain comparing itself to other countries is hilarious,” said Henning Wehn. “Like a drunk insisting they’re more sober than other drunks.”
Rollout Scheduled for Sometime After Next Election
Implementation timelines strategically position actual work beyond the current parliamentary term, ensuring ministers can claim credit for launching whilst avoiding responsibility for outcomes. “We’re playing the long game,” confirmed officials whose average tenure is eighteen months. “Very long. Possibly infinite.”
Contingency planning includes provisions for cancelling the initiative once attention shifts, rebadging it under new branding, or claiming predecessor governments sabotaged success. “We’ve learned from past mistakes,” assured administrators repeating past mistakes. “Learned that we can blame them on previous administrations indefinitely.”
“Politicians and accountability go together like oil and water,” said Russell Howard. “They’re both liquids found in nature, but that’s where similarity ends.”
Legacy Concerns Addressed Through Legacy-Concerned Language
Ministers have stressed their commitment to creating lasting change that outlasts their ministerial appointments lasting an average of fourteen months. “This is about future generations,” declared politicians focused on next week’s headlines. “Specifically, generating future headlines about how we cared about future generations.”
Legacy planning documents detail how the initiative will be remembered, featuring artist impressions of monuments, proposed commemorative stamps, and draft Wikipedia entries. Actual impact assessment appears on page 247 in six-point font suggesting “outcomes uncertain.”
“Political legacies are fascinating,” said Jo Brand. “Usually they involve leaving something behind. Usually debt or scandals, but technically still legacies.”
Confidence Restored Through Confident Assertions About Restoring Confidence
Latest polling suggests public faith in governmental initiatives remains at historic lows despite the initiative to restore faith in initiatives. “This proves the initiative is needed,” argued officials proving the initiative isn’t working. “People’s lack of confidence in our confidence-building demonstrates we need more confidence-building initiatives building confidence in confidence-building.”
Citizens surveyed expressed cynicism about anti-cynicism measures, with 87% believing the initiative will fail to achieve its stated objectives. “Perfect,” celebrated programme directors. “Low expectations mean we can’t disappoint, which counts as success under our success criteria.”
“Government and irony are best friends,” said Mock the Week‘s Dara Ó Briain. “They’re literally launching an initiative to prove initiatives work. That’s either genius or insanity. Probably both.”
Context: This satirical piece lampoons the cyclical pattern of British governments launching initiatives to address failed initiatives, creating a perpetual cycle of announced programmes that rarely deliver substantive outcomes. The phenomenon reflects widespread institutional acknowledgement that government programme delivery consistently underperforms whilst consuming substantial resources. Recent examples include numerous NHS reforms, educational initiatives, and infrastructure programmes that promised transformation but delivered primarily consultation documents, rebranding exercises, and expensive evaluations confirming what evidence already suggested.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
I am a Lagos-born poet and satirical journalist navigating West London’s contradictions. I survived lions at six, taught English by Irish nuns, now wielding words as weapons against absurdity. Illegal in London but undeniable. I write often for https://bohiney.com/author/junglepussy/.
As a young child, I was mostly influenced by the television show Moesha, starring singer and actress Brandy. Growing up, I would see Brandy on Moesha and see her keeping in her cornrows and her braids, but still flourish in her art and music, looking fly. I loved Moesha as a child, but now I take away something more special from it. Just because you’re a black girl, it doesn’t mean you need to only care about hair and makeup. Brandy cared about books, culture and where she was going — you can do both.
