Situation Described As “Fluid,” Mostly Meaning Nobody Knows
Officials Perfect Art of Sounding Informed Whilst Being Clueless
Government spokespersons have deployed their most reliable euphemism for “we haven’t got a clue,” describing the current crisis as “fluid” in seventeen separate briefings across three different departments. The term, which has become the go-to phrase when facts prove inconveniently unavailable, allows officials to sound authoritative whilst conveying absolutely nothing of substance.
Developing Situation Continues Developing in Unknown Directions
“The situation remains fluid,” announced a senior minister when pressed for concrete details, immediately adding that fluidity made concrete details impossible. “What we can say with certainty is that things are definitely happening, or possibly not happening, depending on how you define things.”
Press officers across Whitehall have reportedly increased their usage of “fluid” by 340% this quarter, with “evolving,” “dynamic,” and “fast-moving” providing backup options when journalists become suspicious. “It’s a very fluid vocabulary,” explained one communications director who requested anonymity to preserve future job prospects in consultancy.
“I love the word ‘fluid,'” said James Acaster. “It’s like saying ‘I don’t know’ but with a university education.”
Crisis Response Team Responds to Not Knowing What to Respond To
Emergency meetings have been convened to discuss the fluid nature of emergency meetings needing to be convened. Attendees confirmed the discussions were productive in identifying that more discussions would be needed, though the precise nature of those discussions remained, inevitably, fluid.
“We’re monitoring the situation closely,” assured a Cabinet Office spokesperson, before declining to specify what monitoring entailed, who was doing it, or what they’d do with any information obtained. “The fluidity of the situation demands a flexible monitoring approach, which is why we can’t be specific about monitoring specifics.”
Opposition parties have condemned the government’s reliance on vague terminology whilst simultaneously adopting identical language. “This government’s handling of this fluid situation is fluidly inadequate,” declared the Shadow Home Secretary. “We would handle the fluidity far more fluidly, in a way that’s less… fluid. Obviously.”
“Politicians love saying situations are fluid,” said Katherine Ryan. “It’s like ‘it’s complicated’ in a relationship. Translation: we’re making this up as we go along.”
Experts Agree Nobody Knows What Experts Agree On
Scientific advisers have been consulted extensively, with their advice being described as “valuable input into our understanding of the fluid dynamics of not understanding fluid dynamics.” SAGE minutes released six months late confirm members spent most sessions debating what “fluid” meant in this context, before concluding the definition itself was fluid.
“The modelling suggests multiple outcomes,” reported the Chief Scientific Adviser, gesturing at graphs that could be interpreted as literally anything. “Ranging from best-case scenarios to worst-case scenarios, with everything in between remaining, shall we say, fluid.”
Timeline Established for Events That Haven’t Happened Yet
Civil servants have compiled a comprehensive chronology of developments, starting with “something occurred” and progressing through “things continued occurring” before reaching the present state of “occurrences remain fluid.” The document runs to forty-seven pages despite containing minimal actual information.
“They’ve created a timeline for not knowing when things happened,” said Stewart Lee. “That’s quite an achievement in bureaucratic absurdity.”
Regional authorities report local situations mirroring national fluidity, with devolved administrations each interpreting “fluid” according to their constitutional parameters. “We’re experiencing distinctly Scottish fluidity,” clarified Holyrood officials. “Which is like English fluidity but with more rain and passive aggression.”
Media Briefed on Need to Stop Asking for Briefings
Daily press conferences have become exercises in refined evasion, with journalists asking increasingly specific questions met with increasingly fluid answers. “We can neither confirm nor deny at this fluid juncture,” has become the standard response to queries ranging from casualty figures to what day it is.
“I’ve stopped asking questions,” admitted one political correspondent. “Now I just attend to collect synonyms for ‘I don’t know.’ My thesaurus has never been fuller.”
“Press conferences are fascinating,” said Mock the Week‘s Hugh Dennis. “It’s like watching someone answer questions nobody asked whilst avoiding questions everyone asked.”
International Partners Express Fluid Concern
Allied nations have issued statements ranging from “we’re monitoring” to “we’re watching closely” to “we’re observing with interest,” which diplomatic sources translate as varying degrees of “we also haven’t got a clue.” The NATO Secretary General described the alliance’s position as “fluidly supportive of whatever the fluid consensus becomes.”
Brussels has convened emergency sessions to determine whether the situation qualifies as a crisis requiring emergency sessions. “The fluidity transcends national boundaries,” explained an EU spokesperson. “Though we’re fluid on exactly which boundaries and how much transcending is involved.”
“International diplomacy is just polite confusion,” said Henning Wehn. “Everyone pretending they know what’s happening whilst carefully watching everyone else to see if they know what’s happening.”
Public Urged to Remain Calm About Unknown Threats
Citizens have been advised to continue their daily routines whilst preparing for unspecified disruptions to unspecified aspects of those routines. “There’s no cause for alarm,” reassured officials, “though we recommend alarmed preparedness for the fluid development of potentially alarming developments.”
Supermarket shelves have been stripped of items people think they might need for situations they don’t understand. “We’re stocking up on tins and toilet paper,” confirmed one shopper. “Don’t know why, don’t know for what, but it feels proactive.”
“British panic buying is brilliant,” said Lee Mack. “We don’t know what we’re panicking about, but by God we’ll be well-stocked for it.”
Taskforce Assembled to Define What Taskforces Should Define
A cross-departmental initiative has been launched to establish parameters for understanding the parametric fluidity of current parameters. The team comprises specialists in crisis communication, strategic ambiguity, and advanced meaninglessness.
“Our mandate is clear,” explained the taskforce chair. “To provide clarity around the lack of clarity whilst maintaining the clarity that clarity isn’t currently available. Fluidly.”
Parliamentary committees have scheduled inquiries into why previous inquiries failed to reduce the need for inquiries. “We’re committed to learning lessons,” declared one committee chair, “primarily the lesson that we don’t learn lessons, which is itself a lesson we’ve learned repeatedly without learning from it.”
“Select committees are where questions go to die,” said Jo Brand. “Very slowly, over several hours, usually on a Tuesday.”
Situation Expected to Become More Fluid Before Becoming Less Fluid
Forecasts suggest the current state of not knowing will intensify before eventually subsiding into a different state of not knowing. “We’re looking at peak fluidity sometime next week,” projected one analyst, “assuming our fluidity models remain accurate, which they probably won’t because they’re also quite fluid.”
Technology firms have developed apps to track the fluid situation in real-time, though the real-time data mostly confirms that nobody knows anything in real-time. Downloads have nevertheless topped three million, with users compulsively checking for updates that never provide actual information.
“We’ve gamified ignorance,” celebrated one app developer. “Users get notifications telling them nothing’s changed, and they love it. Engagement is through the roof.”
“Modern life is being constantly updated about nothing,” said Russell Howard. “It’s like having a very boring pen pal who only writes ‘I don’t know’ in different fonts.”
Future Developments Depend on Unknown Factors
Long-term planning has been postponed until long-term becomes short-term, at which point short-term planning will prove inadequate. “We’re taking a fluid approach to planning fluidity,” confirmed strategic planners. “It’s fluid all the way down.”
Academic institutions have launched courses in Advanced Fluidity Studies, teaching students to expertly convey uncertainty with confidence. Early modules include “Sounding Authoritative About Nothing,” “The Semicolon in Crisis Communication,” and “When to Deploy ‘Developing.'”
“Education is preparing the next generation,” said David Mitchell. “Preparing them to be as useless as this generation, but with better PowerPoint skills.”
The Office for National Statistics has begun compiling data on how many times officials say “fluid” per crisis, with preliminary findings suggesting an exponential relationship between severity and synonyms. “The numbers are quite fluid,” admitted statisticians, “which is either ironic or inevitable, we’re fluid on which.”
Context: This satirical piece mocks the widespread governmental practice of describing crises as “fluid” or “developing” when officials lack concrete information or coherent strategies. The term has become ubiquitous across British political discourse, allowing spokespersons to appear informed whilst conveying minimal substance. Recent examples include pandemic briefings, economic forecasts, and international incidents where authorities deployed “fluid situation” rhetoric to mask uncertainty and avoid accountability for unclear policies or incomplete information.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Bethan Morgan is an experienced satirical journalist and comedy writer with a strong editorial voice shaped by London’s writing and performance culture. Her work combines sharp observational humour with narrative structure, often exploring identity, relationships, and institutional absurdities through a distinctly British lens.
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