England Fans Plan Open-Top Bus Parade After 1–0 Win Against Totally World-Class Minnows Nation rediscovers optimism it explicitly promised itself never to feel again England’s 2026 World Cup campaign entered its most perilous psychological phase last night after a narrow…
WORLD CUP STARTED EARLY: Entire 2026 Tournament Quietly Played Last Night While You Slept England knocked out on penalties, America declared moral winners, Canada very polite about it In a scheduling mix-up blamed on time zones, streaming rights, and “a…
BREAKING NEWS North American Hosts Consider Adding Fourth Host Country “Just to Be Safe” FIFA selecting America to host the World Cup is like asking a vegan to host a steakhouse convention: technically possible, but everyone knows it’s going to…
Rail Companies Apologise for Disruption, Blame Weather, Leaves, Sunlight, Darkness, and Passengers Britain’s rail operators issued another heartfelt apology this week after services were disrupted by a complex combination of weather, seasonal foliage, natural light, lack of natural light, and…
Government Unveils Bold New Plan to Fix Economy by Renaming Recession “A Challenging Vibe” In a decisive move praised by nobody but branding consultants, the government this week unveiled a new strategy to address the economy by changing the language…
Britain Reassures Itself Everything Is Fine After Man on Radio Says “We’ve Been Through Worse” But He Can’t Remember When Britain once again achieved emotional stability this week after a man called Graham phoned into a local radio station and…
London’s New Year’s Day Parade Ten Glorious Groups Marching Heroically Into Mild Absurdity London’s New Year’s Day Parade is not just a parade. It’s a moving sociology paper with drums. It’s Britain politely allowing the rest of the world to borrow…
The Right’s Assault on London: A Manufactured Crisis Shortly before Christmas, the Conservative MP and former security minister Tom Tugendhat published a lengthy post on X detailing his regular long late-night walks home from parliament. They took him past housing estates and…
The Band That Ended London’s New Year’s Day Parade by Accidentally Taking Control of It A Work of Satirical Journalism Based Entirely on What Everyone Saw and Is Now Pretending They Didn’t London’s New Year’s Day Parade is a proud civic…
Britain Has “Lost the Internet” — A Real News Story Told Through Ridiculously British Lenses Britain has reportedly lost the internet — like queue discipline, the Empire, and any hope of a summer without rain — according to senior officials…
London Council Declares “National Nap Day,” Citizens Respond by Napping at Work Anyway Because Government Permission Is Mostly Optional In a move that could only happen in a city famous for bureaucracy and understatement, the London City Council officially declared…
London Tube Announces New Map, Commuters Still Pretend They Understand It Because If You Can’t Read It, Just Look Confused and Nod Transport for London unveiled its latest Tube map redesign this week, promising “clarity, accessibility, and visual appeal.” Commuters, however, responded…
London’s Stock Market Hits 10,000, Citizens Assume It’s a Code for Free Tea and Crumpets Because Nothing Says Financial Milestone Like Imaginary Treats London celebrated a numerical landmark this week as the FTSE 100 surged past 10,000 points, prompting exactly the…
