Allies thrilled, soldiers confused.
LONDON – Defence exports from the UK reportedly rose by 4000% this year, a feat largely attributed to the mass production of peacekeeper tea kettles. NATO allies expressed enthusiasm, though frontline soldiers admitted they were confused about operational applicability. Defence Minister Sir Nigel Whistlebottom explained that while the products are technically military-grade, they are intended to “brew morale, not conflict.”
A poll of NATO personnel revealed that 64% welcome the kettles, 22% are mystified, and 14% attempted to deploy them in mock combat exercises with predictable results. The UK Defence Ministry maintains these exports reinforce allied relationships. Analysts noted that tea diplomacy has historically improved relations, but the explosion in export numbers also conveniently boosts economic statistics without risking actual lives. The Ministry of Defence confirmed that future plans include espresso machines and biscuits.
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