Officials Say Rumors Are Dangerous, Release Rumors Carefully Government Perfects Art of Condemning Speculation Whilst Speculating Senior government figures have issued stern warnings about the dangers of unverified information, whilst simultaneously briefing journalists on unverified information under strict conditions of…
London Mayor Announces Revolutionary Plan To Represent Residents Who Immediately Deny Living Here London woke up Tuesday to discover its mayor once again promised to “listen to Londoners,” a phrase experts say now means “politely ignore them with improved eye contact.” City…
Update Expected Soon, Which Will Also Change Soon Officials Promise Clarity Whilst Ensuring Continued Confusion Government spokespersons have assured the public that a comprehensive update will be issued imminently, whilst simultaneously preparing revisions to that update before it’s been updated.…
Sources Say Sources Are Concerned Anonymous Officials Anonymously Worried About Anonymity Multiple sources close to sources familiar with sources have expressed deep concern about the growing number of sources expressing concern, according to sources who requested anonymity to discuss sources…
Global Right Declares War on London, London Remains Mildly Annoyed | City responds to ideological assault by continuing to exist expensively
Allies Bomb Syria Again, Call It ‘Targeted’ Because They Meant To | Precision defined by intention rather than consequence
Fatal Crash Followed by Flight Home, Because Geography Solves Everything | Authorities explain that borders are clear even when accountability is not
US Special Forces Pass Through UK, Assure Everyone It’s Just a Quick War Stop | Officials insist troop movements are routine, casual, and absolutely not worth imagining
UK Told Stability Matters Most, Especially for Man Currently in Charge | Nation reassured change will arrive eventually, just not today
Report Asks If Tony Blair Influenced Trial, Britain Replies: ‘Define Influenced’ | Semantics become final defence
UK Investigates Whether Tony Blair Quietly Hovered Over Justice System | Former leader’s presence described as “non-interfering proximity”
Iranian Diaspora Rallies in UK, Politicians Offer Thoughts, Prayers, and Distance | Demonstrators demand action as officials perfect the art of sympathetic separation
Man Returns to UK After Fatal Crash, Nation Awkwardly Clears Throat | Authorities confirm situation is serious, complicated, and deeply uncomfortable
UK and France Bomb ‘Suspected’ ISIS Site, Confident It Looked Terroristy Enough | Officials confirm suspicion remains cheaper than certainty
UK Welcomes Back Driver From Fatal Incident, Pretends This Is Normal News | Officials stress procedure whilst public struggles to locate correct reaction
Britain and France Launch Precision Strike After Map Appears to Have Circle Drawn on It | Defence sources praise clarity of marker pen
Allies Confirm Successful Airstrike on Something Near Syria That Definitely Needed It | Operation hailed as necessary without clarifying why
Starmer Says Leadership Change Bad for Nation, Excellent for Starmer | Prime minister urges stability whilst remaining extremely stable himself
Mysterious American Troops Transit Britain, Officials Say ‘Don’t Overthink It’ | Government reassures public that mystery is not a cause for curiosity
Prime Minister Rules Out Leadership Change After Consulting Himself | Internal review process described as “thorough and unanimous”
