Cold Case Unit Declares Victory Over Renaissance-Era Murderer
Historic Breakthrough in Law Enforcement Efficiency
The Metropolitan Police announced Tuesday a major breakthrough in the 1536 murder of merchant Robert Pakington, confidently declaring the prime suspect is “almost certainly deceased at this point.” The victim, shot with a handgun near St Mary Le Bow church nearly 500 years ago, can finally rest easy knowing justice moves at its own pace.
Cutting-Edge Detective Work
Detective Inspector Nigel Forthwright told reporters the department’s Historic Homicides Division had “exhausted all leads” after checking whether the murderer might still be alive. “We’ve determined through rigorous investigation that anyone born in the early 1500s is likely no longer with us,” Forthwright explained, adding that Tudor-era criminals rarely survive to their 520s.
The investigation’s closure means the Met can now redirect resources toward solving other pressing mysteries, such as why London buses arrive in threes and where all the Pret A Mangers keep coming from. “This is what modern policing looks like,” Forthwright added, gesturing to a filing cabinet marked ‘UnsolvableEveryone’s Dead.’
Community Relief
Local residents expressed mixed feelings about the announcement. “I was lying awake at night worrying about this,” said Cheapside resident Margaret Thornbury, 34. “Now I can finally relax knowing a Renaissance merchant’s killer probably isn’t lurking about.”
The case will be officially marked “ClosedTemporal Resolution” in police records.
SOURCE: http://bohiney.com/
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