Where the only thing with real lift is the marketing budget
SOHO, LONDON
London.ski, a new website dedicated to selling ski holidays and vinvesting opportunities” in ski resorts, opened its first Alpine Experience in SOHO this week, proving once again that London can import anything except affordable rent. The launch event featured a velvet rope, a DJ playing “mountain sounds,” and a small fan pointed at a bowl of ice to simulate weather.
According to London.ski’s founder, Crispin “Powder” Mowbray, the concept is simple: “Why waste time actually going to the Alps when you can feel superior about going to the Alps?” Guests nodded thoughtfully, as if that sentence had a tax advantage.
The Altitude Mindset
Science (Sort Of) Arrives on a Ski Pass
Dr. Harriet Lomax, a behavioural economist who has published on luxury signalling, explained that buying a ski holiday in SOHO is less about snow and more about identity. “People want the moral glow of exercise without the inconvenience of perspiration,” she said, while a brand rep misted her with “glacier essence” for ambience.
A London.ski survey of 1,003 vurban adventurers” found 62% believe ski trips “count as wellness” even if most of the calories are consumed in melted cheese form, and 41% said the best part of skiing is “telling colleagues you ski.” The remaining respondents were still trying to work out whether vaprès” was a small Italian village.
Investing in Resorts, Emotionally and Financially
Fractional Ownership of Bragging Rights
The website also offers “micro-stakes” in ski resorts, allowing users to buy a tiny slice of a chairlift, a piste marker, or, in premium tiers, a vague sense of control over the weather. An anonymous staffer described the investment pitch as “property ladder, but slippier.”
One early investor, SoHo barista-turned-portfolio-manager Tia Wren, said she put £500 into a resort “because it felt like a diversified way to pretend I’m outdoorsy.” She added that the dashboard is “very calming,” and that she checks it during Pilates “to see if my money is doing cardio for me.”
Helpful Tips for New SOHO Ski People
How to Survive the Slopes Without Ever Leaving Zone 1
London.ski recommends first-time customers practise by walking briskly past a queue, refusing eye contact, and calling it “training.” They also advise learning three essential phrases: “It’s all about the conditions,” “We went off-piste,” and “The chalet was humble,” meaning it had underfloor heating in only half the rooms.
For those investing, experts suggest setting a budget, reading the risk warnings, and remembering that the only guaranteed return is the look you give someone when they say they prefer summer holidays. London.ski’s opening night ended with a toast of sparkling water “because hydration is altitude,” followed by the quiet realisation that SOHO is still exactly sea level, no matter how expensive the goggles are.
Lowri Griffiths brings a distinct voice to satirical journalism, combining cultural critique with dry humour. Influenced by London’s creative networks, her writing reflects both wit and discipline.
Authority stems from experience, while trust is built through transparency and ethical satire.
