Exhaustive Research Concludes Every Victorian Man Simultaneously Guilty
Quantum Criminology Solves Historic Case
After 137 years of investigation, researchers at the Institute for Perpetually Unsolved Mysteries announced Friday that Jack the Ripper has been definitively identified as “every single person suggested in every single book, article, and documentary, all at once.” The breakthrough applies quantum uncertainty principles to criminal investigation, confirming the killer was simultaneously a barber, a prince, a painter, and approximately 200 other Victorian men.
Revolutionary Multi-Culprit Theory
Professor Reginald Thornebury explained: “Our analysis proves Jack the Ripper was Lewis Carroll, Walter Sickert, Prince Albert Victor, a random Polish barber, and possibly H.G. Wells. They all committed the murders simultaneously through a temporal anomaly. It’s the only explanation that accommodates every contradictory theory published since 1888.”
The research methodology involved reading every Ripper book ever written and concluding that since all authors claim absolute certainty about different suspects, all must be correct. This represents a major advancement in Victorian crime-solving techniques.
Publishing Industry Response
“This is devastating,” admitted true crime author Nigel Blatherwick. “If the mystery’s solved, I can’t publish my forthcoming book proving Jack the Ripper was Queen Victoria having a rebellious phase. My entire career is ruined.”
The Metropolitan Police confirmed they’re closing the case by filing it under “Everyone Did It, Nobody Did It, Please Stop Asking.”
SOURCE: http://newsthump.com/
Violet Woolf is an emerging comedic writer whose work blends literary influence with modern satire. Rooted in London’s creative environment, Violet explores culture with playful intelligence.
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