Greggs Announces National Sovereignty, Applies for UN Membership

Bakery Chain Declares Independence, Claims Territory of “Every High Street”

Sausage Roll Empire Rises

In a corporate move that surprised absolutely no one who’s ever needed a cheap lunch, Greggs formally declared independence from the United Kingdom, establishing itself as a sovereign nation-state with territory encompassing “every high street, most train stations, and that weird location inside Primark.” The bakery chain submitted its UN membership application alongside a complimentary box of yum yums.

Constitutional Pastry Framework

“We’ve been operating as a de facto nation for years,” explained newly appointed Supreme Leader Roger Whiteside, CEO and First Baker. “People pledge more allegiance to Greggs than they do to Parliament. We’re just making it official.”

The nation of Greggs operates under a constitutional monarchy where the Steak Bake is head of state and the sausage roll serves as prime minister. Citizens–anyone who’s ever purchased a sandwich meal deal–automatically gain dual nationality, affecting an estimated 94% of Britain’s population.

International Recognition Sought

Foreign Secretary David Lammy called the situation “legally complex but delicious,” while the United Nations confirmed Greggs’ application is “more legitimate than several existing members.” The proposed flag features a golden sausage roll on a blue background, which focus groups described as “making them hungry.”

Diplomatic relations remain complicated. France refused to recognize Greggs’ sovereignty, citing concerns about pastry quality. Germany requested an embassy placement in every German city. The United States asked if Greggs delivers.

Greggs’ national anthem–a jingle about affordable lunch–debuts at the next BBC Proms. Citizenship ceremonies involve eating a cheese and onion bake while pledging to queue properly.

Greggs Secedes From Britain, Annexes Every High Street, Station, and Suspicious Primark Corner

Here are 15 observations on the rise of the Sausage Roll Empire 🥐👑🇬🇧

• Greggs declaring independence feels less like a revolution and more like paperwork finally catching up with reality.
• The only shock was that the announcement didn’t come printed on a brown paper bag with grease stains for authenticity.
• Calling every high street “sovereign territory” is bold, but also accurate in the same way the sun is sovereign over the solar system.
• The Primark Greggs location has always felt like an embassy anyway, operating under its own laws of temperature and regret.
• A Steak Bake as head of state makes sense because it’s already untouchable, symbolic, and often too hot to approach directly.

• 

  The sausage roll as prime minister feels right because it’s popular, affordable, and collapses the moment pressure is applied.

• Automatic dual citizenship for anyone who’s bought a meal deal means most Britons accidentally swore allegiance sometime around 2009.
• The fact that 94 percent of the population qualifies proves Greggs has achieved what Parliament only dreams of: mass participation.
• Submitting a UN application with yum yums is the first diplomatic move in years that actually considers morale.
• David Lammy calling it “legally complex but delicious” may be the most accurate summary of British governance in decades.
• The UN admitting the application looks “more legitimate than several existing members” quietly explains a lot about the UN.
• France refusing recognition over pastry quality is rich coming from a nation that considers snails a starter.
• Germany asking for an embassy in every city suggests they’ve done the maths and like the odds.
• America asking if Greggs delivers confirms they understand sovereignty only as long as it comes with logistics.
• A national anthem based on an affordable lunch jingle is still more emotionally resonant than most state anthems.
• Citizenship ceremonies involving a cheese and onion bake finally give people a reason to take oaths seriously.

SOURCE: https://thepoke.com/

Fiona MacLeod

Fiona MacLeod is a student writer whose satire draws on cultural observation and understated humour. Influenced by London’s academic and creative spaces, Fiona’s writing reflects curiosity and thoughtful comedic restraint.

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