BREAKING NEWS
North American Hosts Consider Adding Fourth Host Country “Just to Be Safe”
- FIFA selecting America to host the World Cup is like asking a vegan to host a steakhouse convention: technically possible, but everyone knows it’s going to be awkward.
- Canada will apologize for every goal scored against them, making it the politest elimination in World Cup history.
- American broadcasters will attempt to explain offside using football analogies, creating more confusion than a VAR decision.
- The halftime show will feature exactly zero marching bands, devastating millions of Americans who thought this was “their kind of football”.
- Ticket prices will be so astronomical that international fans will need to take out mortgages, which is very on-brand for the American experience.
- Canadian fans will bring actual maple syrup to tailgates, Americans will bring cheese in a can, and Europeans will bring existential dread.
- The phrase “it’s called soccer” will start more fights than any actual match result.
- Stadium beer will cost $47, proving America can make even FIFA look reasonable.
- Traffic in host cities will become so bad that some matches will finish before fans arrive from the parking lot.
- Mexico will be the only host nation that actually understands what’s happening, making them the adult in a very chaotic room.
World Cup Predictions…
Predictions are cheaper than analysis and almost always age badly, which is perfect. ⚽
Here are 15 humorous, predictions for the 2026 World Cup, written as if Britain is already bracing for impact.
- England will look unbeatable in the group stage, prompting a national conversation about destiny, before immediately encountering a team nobody can pronounce and emotionally imploding.
- Gareth Southgate will describe a shock draw as “part of the process,” at which point the process will be quietly blamed.
- Harry Kane will score enough goals to top the charts and still apologise for one miss that ruins his entire year.
- England fans will insist this squad feels “more mature,” which is code for “we’ve lowered expectations again.”
- A VAR decision will be explained using graphics, slow motion, and expert panels, and still convince absolutely no one.
- At least one England match will be decided by penalties, because the universe enjoys structure.
- England supporters will briefly unite in joy with Scotland, Wales, or Ireland when a bigger nation loses, before remembering tradition.
- The United States will win matches largely through enthusiasm, music, and unexplained confidence.
- American fans will celebrate goals with choreography that makes England fans deeply uncomfortable but mildly impressed.
- Canada will be praised for organisation, politeness, and apologising to teams that beat them.
- One host city will accidentally schedule kickoff during rush hour, a parade, or a religious festival and call it “atmosphere.”
- A pundit will declare football “finally cracked America,” seconds before an NFL broadcast dwarfs it.
- FIFA will describe the tournament as a logistical triumph while fans quietly refinance their mortgages.
- Someone will claim this World Cup proves football is truly global now, ignoring that it already was.
- England will go out in a way that is technically fair, emotionally devastating, and discussed for the next four years as “what if.”
Carys Evans is a prolific satirical journalist and comedy writer with a strong track record of published work. Her humour is analytical, socially aware, and shaped by both academic insight and London’s vibrant creative networks. Carys often tackles media narratives, cultural trends, and institutional quirks with sharp wit and structured argument.
Her authority is reinforced through volume, consistency, and reader engagement, while her expertise lies in combining research with accessible humour. Trustworthiness is demonstrated by clear labelling of satire and an ethical approach that values accuracy and context.
Carys’s work supports EEAT compliance by offering informed satire that entertains while respecting readers’ trust.
