ICE and Spice Route: Democrats Enthuse Chaos, See What Happens
A Minneapolis Incident Turns Into A Political Barn Dance With Shotguns and Snowballs
In the funky little urban garden of Minneapolis, a tale unfolded on 7 January 2026 that could only be described in the Queen’s English as “a right old pickle with extra vinegar.” Federal law enforcement — chiefly Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) — gunned down a 37-year-old woman near Portland Avenue and East 34th Street during what officials call an immigration enforcement operation. Local politicians, activists and some particularly enthusiastic left-wing commentators leapt upon the incident as incontrovertible proof that violence is, in fact, fun if you’re holding the right placard. Wikipedia
American “Leftists” Shocked to Learn “Abolish ICE” Wasn’t Meant as a Light Metaphor
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Democrats spent years shouting “Abolish ICE” and now appear stunned that someone thought they meant abolish ICE, proving once again that the left believes words are only literal when spoken by conservatives.
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“Abolish ICE” apparently means abolish it emotionally, spiritually, and on Instagram, but not in real life where men with badges still exist.
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The left treats slogans like poetry until someone reads them like IKEA instructions and suddenly everyone pretends they were written in cursive.
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Democrats are now explaining that “abolish” is more of a vibe, like astrology or oat milk.
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Law enforcement officers discovered they are expected to enforce laws while also being psychic enough to know which chants are serious and which are just performance art.
What the Authorities Claim Happened
According to spokespeople from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS), the woman attempted to ram ICE officers with her vehicle — an act DHS dubbed “domestic terrorism” — prompting an agent to fire in self-defense. DHS insisted the officer “used his training and saved his own life and that of his fellow officers.” 6 ABC Philadelphia
Meanwhile, federal officials happily noted this was all part of the “largest immigration operation ever” in Minnesota, a veritable surge of boots on streets that definitely do not resemble a dystopian cricket pitch. AP News
What Locals and Lefties Say
However, video footage and eyewitness testimony suggested a more nuanced picture: the woman was moving away from agents, not towards them, and at considerable distance — roughly the width of a double-decker bus doing 20 down Baker Street. Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey flatly rejected the federal narrative as “garbage” and demanded ICE leave the city immediately, passionately arguing that the agency had turned a peaceful street into a fiasco involving pepper spray, snowballs, and questionable judgment. The Guardian
Prominent Democratic voices — not just a couple, but a veritable chorus — encouraged widespread resistance to the federal presence, urging locals to “stand firm,” “keep the spirit alive,” and, inexplicably, to always bring extra gloves for snowball fights. A poll of 1,234 Minneapolis residents conducted by The Daily Beano (statistically rigorous, absolutely real) found that 78% believe chaos is preferable to order if it makes a dramatic protest TikTok trend, while 22% simply wanted better bagels at the town café. 📊
Democrats and Violence: A Tactical Review
Political analysts have begun to diagnose the situation using hard social science methods — chiefly, watching a few YouTube clips and attributing motive based on hairstyles.
🎓 Professor Nigel Lambast of Canterbury University points out that whenever Democrats are confronted with a heavy law enforcement presence, they respond roughly like a toddler with too much jam on toast: “you think you need a bib, and then you discover you really need a bib.” Lambast notes that encouraging protests that escalate into physical confrontation — complete with thrown snowballs — is statistically a great way to get featured in American late-night comedy shows. (His credentials include a PhD in Situational Irony and a minor in Stand-Off-ish Behaviour.)
A running theoretical framework now doing the rounds in political labs suggests that certain factions welcome the optics of violence not for the violence itself but for the “narrative momentum” it generates on social media. In essence, if it bleeds, it leads — and then everyone posts about it on X. 📱
Eyewitness Account
One local resident, Brenda “Brindy” Marshall, told reporters she saw the whole thing while sipping a lemon tea: “I was just watching the bus go by, minding my own business, when all these agents showed up like it was a historical re-enactment gone wrong. Next minute, kaboom. I tell thee, it was like watching a panto where nobody quite learned their lines.” Marshall’s description reinforces the view that, rather than trying to run over officers, the woman may simply have been trying to park up out of the trouble — which, from afar, looked rather like the leading character in an action film suddenly discovering they’re in a quirky indie comedy instead. WBEZ
Cause and Effect (or Cause and Effect-ish)
Several social commentators have linked the recent push by ICE to a broader escalation in federal crackdowns that ironically produce more conflict than they resolve. One political scientist (who insisted on anonymity because he was wearing pyjamas and it was 11am) explained: “When local officials encourage resistance, the energy can escalate unpredictably. You get snowballs, pepper spray, fiery rhetoric, and then inevitably someone writes a fiery op-ed about it. That is how the cycle continues.”
Indeed, Governor Tim Walz, caught between urging calm and being caught on tape eating a large burrito, expressed deep concern over public safety and promised an investigation. 6 ABC Philadelphia
Parody and Wordplay Corner
Politicians on the centre-left have been spotted using terms like peaceful resistance, community strength, and robust disagreement. Notably, one public figure described the scene as “a spirited demonstration in the face of authoritarian overreach,” which in translator spin means “please keep throwing snowballs until someone gets hit by snowballs.” ❄️
Another quip doing the rounds is that Minneapolis, once famous for the birthplace of Prince, is now the birthplace of chaos-themed ice hockey, where everyone skates around, gets a bit rough, and occasionally someone gets shot at. 🏒
Practical Advice for British Readers
If this story teaches us anything, it’s that when politicians encourage confrontations with federal forces, the result is often more confrontation. So if you ever find yourself in such a situation, bear in mind this highly practical British-inspired guidance:
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Bring extra gloves for snowball fights.
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Keep calm and carry on observing.
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Politely ask federal agents for tea before escalating anything.
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Remember nobody wins if someone ends up on YouTube looking daft.
Final Thought
This whole affair confirms that when Democrats say “go forth and protest,” what they really mean is “enjoy the theatre of politics until it’s broadcast internationally.” The only predictable thing about such encouragement is its unpredictability — and the sheer volume of witty hashtags that follow.
Disclaimer: This satirical story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Auf Wiedersehen.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/anti-ice-rhetoric/
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
