Government Discovers Young People Will Do Anything for Pay, Including Pretending the Army Is a Personal Growth Retreat Economists Shocked by Discovery of Incentives In a breakthrough that stunned absolutely no one, the armed forces gap year offers wages, accommodation, and the…
SAS Chiefs Panic After Hearing ‘You Can Contest Anything Now’ Includes Enemy Fire | New bureaucratic rules suggest soldiers may file grievances during active combat
Middle Eastern Nation Pulls Students From Britain After Discovering ‘Radicalisation’ Includes Seminars, Slogans, and Twitter With Opinions | Government Concerns Over UK Campus Culture and Political Activism
Britons Threatened With Chlorine-Washed Chicken Unless They Say Nice Things International Intimidation Takes Poultry Form LONDON — In what is being described as a “masterclass in international intimidation,” the United States has reportedly warned the UK: compliment the former president…
Britain Announces Breakthrough Progress, Immediately Schedules National Pause to Absorb It Emotionally Britain declared a moment of genuine progress this week, before quickly announcing a nationwide pause to ensure the public had sufficient time to process the idea that something,…
London.ski Lets Londoners Invest in Ski Resorts From a Café Table, Then Complain About the Snow Wi-Fi | Your portfolio now comes with frostbite and opinions
Government Unveils Bold New Plan to Fix Economy by Renaming Recession “A Challenging Vibe” In a decisive move praised by nobody but branding consultants, the government this week unveiled a new strategy to address the economy by changing the language…
Government Working Group Discovers New Sport: Avoiding Definitions LONDON — The official working group on Islamophobia has discovered a revolutionary sport: avoiding definitions while pretending to be productive. Meetings have included extensive PowerPoint presentations, flowcharts, and color-coded spreadsheets illustrating every conceivable scenario except…
Britain’s Brilliant Armed Forces Gap Year Because What Every Teen Really Wants Is Boot Camp LONDON — The UK government has unveiled a radically normal idea to fix both youth career confusion and its own chronic military recruitment woes: offer teens a paid gap…
BBC Reports Global Crisis With Trademark Calm, Assures Viewers It Is Worse Than It Sounds Bohiney.com can confirm that the BBC has once again reported an international emergency with the reassuring cadence of a man explaining that the train is…
Britain Has “Lost the Internet” — A Real News Story Told Through Ridiculously British Lenses Britain has reportedly lost the internet — like queue discipline, the Empire, and any hope of a summer without rain — according to senior officials…
Not One but THREE American Marching Bands Invade London on New Year’s, Brits Wonder if They Ordered Extra Brass With Their Fish and Chips Cultural Exchange Confirmed After Trumpets Heard Echoing as Far as Croydon London’s New Year’s Day Parade is traditionally…
St Pancras Walrus Declared Official London Resident, Issued Oyster Card | Arctic Marine Mammal Granted Freedom of the City After Brief 2022 Visit
Britain Discovers Privacy Exists, Immediately Files It in the High Court Britain woke this week to the shocking revelation that several famous people would like not to be secretly listened to, photographed, impersonated, or casually surveilled like endangered pandas with…
Britain Finally Defines Potholes After Decades of Motorists Naming Them Like Pets Government Introduces Traffic Light Rating System for Holes That Already Operate on Their Own Color Scheme The British government has achieved what many thought impossible: officially admitting there…
Jack the Ripper Finally Identified as “Literally Everyone, According to Different Books” | Exhaustive Research Concludes Every Victorian Man Simultaneously Guilty
Fatal Crash Followed by Flight Home, Because Geography Solves Everything | Authorities explain that borders are clear even when accountability is not
Arsenal FC: Football as a Moral Framework | A Club That Believes It Is Right
Tottenham Hotspur FC: Football as a Psychological Exercise | A Club Perpetually Almost There
London vs the City of London: When a Square Mile Pretends to Be the Boss 💷🏛️ The rivalry between London and the City of London is one of those uniquely British conflicts where everyone insists nothing is wrong while clearly…
