Trump’s Donroe Doctrine: America Claims Western Hemisphere Like a Holiday Let Gone Rogue 🌎
Washington stirred this week to find the Western Hemisphere had been quietly but firmly brought under fresh supervision, following former President Donald Trump’s unveiling of the Donroe Doctrine, a foreign policy framework observers describe as “the Monroe Doctrine, but with a rebrand.”
Positioned before an array of flags, atlases, and a rather suspiciously laminated globe, Trump clarified that the United States has maintained a “special relationship” with the hemisphere, noting the relationship has now been upgraded to “exclusive, terribly exclusive, gold card status.”
According to advisers, the doctrine materialised after Trump discovered rival global powers had been “eyeing up” Latin America, behaviour he characterised as “impolite, quite frankly.”
Washington Declares “Our Hemisphere” Like a Possessive Landlord Guarding the Thermostat 🛋️
Administration officials explained that the phrase “our hemisphere” ought to be interpreted generously, rather like a host who says “do make yourself comfortable” whilst simultaneously outlining the precise house rules in exhaustive detail.
“This isn’t proprietorship,” insisted one senior adviser, speaking anonymously whilst vigorously circling South America on a chart. “It’s custodianship. Amiable custodianship. With stipulations.”
Diplomats suggest the Donroe Doctrine stresses influence, partnership, and the mutual understanding that guests shouldn’t invite China, Russia, or “anyone dodgy” round without clearing it first. Several Caribbean nations reportedly enquired whether this meant they’d still retained barbecue privileges.
Trump Rebrands Monroe Doctrine in Own Image, Trademark Application Pending ™️
Historians initially expressed bewilderment at the announcement, observing that the Monroe Doctrine already exists and doesn’t typically require refreshes, remakes, or personalised logos. Trump dismissed such concerns, explaining that doctrines, much like hotels and premium beef, perform considerably better with recognisable branding.
“You wouldn’t book into the Monroe,” Trump allegedly remarked. “But the Donroe? People know the Donroe.”
Sources within the intellectual property system confirmed preliminary documentation has been lodged for “Donroe Doctrine,” “Donroe Hemisphere,” and “Donroe Doctrine Premium,” an enhanced tier featuring strategic interest, moral authority, and discretionary tariffs.
Fresh Doctrine Names Latin America as U.S. “Back Garden”; Mexico Remains Sceptical 🌵
Under the Donroe framework, Latin America is now formally designated as America’s “back garden,” a term officials maintain is metaphorical and doesn’t imply lawn-mowing obligations.
Mexican officials responded cautiously, noting that whilst they appreciate the metaphor, back gardens typically belong to houses, and Mexico doesn’t recall relocating.
“We’ve got our own back garden,” noted one diplomat. “It’s got its own barbecue, its own playlist, and considerably better cuisine, if we’re honest.”
Brazilian leadership reportedly enquired whether the designation included funding, infrastructure investment, or at minimum a receipt. The White House responded that the designation provides “strategic proximity” and “the privilege of acknowledgement.”
Trump Unveils Hemisphere Management Scheme; Greenland Remains on the Shopping List ❄️
In connected developments, Trump confirmed that Greenland remains “very much available,” clarifying that whilst it’s not strictly part of the Western Hemisphere discussion, it possesses “positive energy” and “abundant ice, which we’re running rather short of.”
Maps exhibited during the announcement briefly displayed Greenland outlined in gold leaf, accompanied by a handwritten notation reading “revisit later.”
Officials emphasised the Donroe Doctrine isn’t about territorial expansion, but rather “establishing parameters,” including which continents are permitted to schedule meetings without obtaining Washington’s prior approval.
America Announces Donroe Doctrine, Hemisphere Requests Operating Instructions 📘
As word of the doctrine circulated, leaders throughout the hemisphere reportedly searched their correspondence for guidance, welcome documentation, or at minimum a PDF clarifying the regulations.
“We presume there’s a handbook,” remarked one Central American official. “Perhaps a diagram. Something explaining when we’re permitted to trade, invest, or operate autonomously.”
The State Department subsequently confirmed a manual is under preparation, provisionally entitled So You’re In the Hemisphere Now, featuring chapters on permissible alliances, appropriate concern thresholds, and proper responses when the U.S. indicates it is “observing developments with interest.”
What the Comedy Crowd Are Saying 🎤
“This doctrine sounds less like foreign policy and rather more like a residents’ association circular.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“He hasn’t conquered the hemisphere, he’s simply rebranded it like a country club.” — Ron White
“I adore how America keeps banging on about ‘our back garden’ but never clears up after the dog.” — Sarah Silverman
Experts Offer Careful Assessment
Foreign policy scholars note that doctrines traditionally emerge from sustained strategic deliberation, whereas the Donroe Doctrine appears to have materialised from a brainstorming session involving a marker pen and a profound sense of entitlement.
Dr. Ellen Forsythe of the Centre for Hemispheric Studies characterised the doctrine as “a rather intriguing fusion of 19th-century geopolitics and contemporary brand consultancy.”
“It’s less about exclusion and rather more about atmosphere,” she observed. “The atmosphere being: we arrived first, emotionally speaking.”
A recent survey revealed 62 percent of Americans remained uncertain what the Donroe Doctrine entails, whilst 18 percent assumed it was a trainer.
Conclusion: A Hemisphere, Reconceived
Whether the Donroe Doctrine becomes an enduring pillar of American foreign policy or merely a footnote in the extensive chronicle of American self-assurance remains to be determined. For the present, the Western Hemisphere finds itself in a recognisable position: acknowledged, categorised, and gently reminded who’s controlling the remote.
A brief disclaimer from the editors: This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings, the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to reality is purely the hemisphere’s fault.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
