Globalists About to Bugger Off

Here’s a playful take on Should Globalists Give Up?, riffing on the spirit and the controversy around globalism that’s swirling through the culture pages of The Economist and world commentary this week 🌍🎭. (This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.)

Culture in Crisis: Are Globalists About to Pack Their Bags and Bugger Off to the Countryside

In the echo chamber of global thought, where every economist has a Substack and every politician has an opinion louder than a cabbie at closing time, The Economist posed the question of the season: Should Globalists Give Up? 🌐📉 — a dinner-party topic more awkward than debating whether the beans go on top of the toast or underneath, and why the King’s corgis clearly control the Bank of England. 🐕

The Great Globalist Surrender (Allegedly)

According to The Economist, there’s apparently a “riveting and depressing argument” in the new book The Doom Loop about the existential unraveling of the globalist project — a thesis with the kind of title that sounds like it could also be a 1970s prog rock band or a dodgy washing machine at a Brixton launderette. 🎵

To understand the drama: globalism has been like the mate who promised everyone free pints and shared crisps — until he moved to Surrey and now only shows up on WhatsApp groups banging on about “efficiency gains.” 🌍📱 Meanwhile, the rest of us are still waiting for those pints.

Let’s unpack the muddle with all the gravitas of someone trying to explain why “globalism” isn’t just posh speak for buying Fairtrade coffee at Waitrose and calling it cultural exchange.

Why the Globalists Are Getting Heckled

First, globalism’s brand problem is worse than a Love Island contestant who posts nothing but gym selfies. Experts say it feels detached and alien to much of the population — like fibre optic cables running across continents whilst everyday folks in Rotherham can’t get decent broadband. 📡

Professor Emeritus of World Systems and Occasional Guardian Crossword Enthusiast Dr. Sylvia H. Fortescue-Smythe told us, “Globalism promised a bigger pie, but it forgot to tell anyone who actually bakes pies what would happen to their ovens.” She then excused herself to Google “where my Aga went.”

Indeed, social scientists note that globalism once meant tariff reductions and expanding trade — where, in theory, everyone earns more money buying socks from Bangladesh cheaper than socks from nearby Lancashire. 🧦 But now it looks like your neighbour’s internet greasy spoon has ended up selling only imported bacon whilst the local butcher wonders why inflation tastes so much like gammon.

The Public’s Poll: Globalism or Ghost Town?

In a completely unscientific poll we conducted using a dartboard at a Wetherspoons and a blindfolded llama named Sir Reginald Spitsalot III, 62% of respondents said globalism should keep going because “it sounds proper clever down the pub,” 28% said “sod off and let nationalism take over,” and 10% asked if we could go back to talking about football. Sir Reginald declined to comment but did spit enthusiastically at a portrait of Nigel Farage.

Analysts then clarified to us that actual polls show globalism is losing popularity among many Western voters — particularly those who feel left behind by London elites, metropolitan policies, and discussions of carbon offsetting at Sunday roast. 🍖

Globalism’s Identity Crisis

Globalism isn’t just economic. It’s a mindset that says we can solve big problems together — climate change, world peace, how much avocado on toast is taking the absolute piss. Critics from nationalist camps argue this mindset suppresses local sovereignty and turns governance into a kind of intellectual board game only PPE graduates from Oxbridge understand. 🎲 (The dice are rolled in Davos, naturally, not Doncaster.)

Right-wing antiglobalists sometimes use the term “globalist” as a slur, wrapped in conspiracy theories about cabals and secret meetings in smoke-filled rooms where everyone wears matching chinos and discusses tariffs like it’s Premier League transfer strategy. ⚽

The Irony That’s Harder to Ignore Than a Double-Decker Bus in Your Front Garden

But here’s the twist: whilst some argue globalism has failed (and should step aside for more nationalist approaches), others point out that simply throwing up borders and saying “let’s stick to what works locally” leads to its own set of problems — like shrinking economic growth and weakened cooperation on global challenges. 🌎

Case in point: critics note that if nations deglobalise too quickly, it could reduce long-term growth and cooperation on things like climate and security — not unlike deciding the best way to stop a leaky tap is to shut off all running water in the house. Then moaning you’re parched.

What the Funny People Are Saying

Comedian Nish Kumar quipped on The Mash Report, “If globalism goes away, I guess my European cousins will stop sending me weird chocolate. That’d be a real tragedy, right? No more mystery hazelnut paste from Lidl!”

Another comic, Katherine Ryan, mused, “Globalists should give up? That’s like asking climate change to take a bank holiday. ‘Oi, rising sea levels, fancy clocking off early today, yeah?'”

And local farmer and part-time philosopher Jedediah “Jed” Cornpicker, who definitely knows more about crop yields than trade policy, said, “I don’t know what globalists do, but I hope they’re not giving up because who fixes my tractor when everyone goes local? My cousin Nigel? Have you met Nigel? Absolute muppet.”

So Should Globalists Actually Give Up?

The answer is probably no — not because globalism is flawless, but because nothing at all is. Just like a proper Sunday roast, it needs the right ingredients, proper timing, and someone who actually knows what they’re doing. (Also Yorkshire puddings. Can’t forget the Yorkshire puddings.)

Global cooperation remains crucial on issues like climate, health, and cross-border trade. But the perception that globalism serves only elites has become entrenched. The challenge now is not whether to give up, but how to revamp the idea so it feels less like a dreary PowerPoint presentation at Canary Wharf and more like something your mate down the local can actually relate to — preferably with fewer bloody PowerPoint slides.

The Globalist’s Guide to Not Fading Away

If globalists want to stay relevant, data suggests they might need to:

• Speak less like bureaucratic robots and more like everyday humans. (“Synergistic optimisation” becomes “making things work better together, innit.”)
• Be transparent about who benefits and why. (Spoiler: it’s not always independent greengrocers in Lewisham.)
• Show that cooperation across borders can actually improve local lives, not just foreign GDP charts that nobody outside the LSE understands.

We may not know how every chapter of this story ends, but one thing is clear: globalism as a cultural flashpoint isn’t going quietly into the night. It’s more likely to argue about its departure for another decade whilst refusing to pack its bags, like a gap year student who won’t leave Thailand.

Cultural Verdict

The debate over globalism isn’t about whether the concept sounds good down the pub — it’s about reconciling the lofty promise of shared progress with the gritty reality of local communities. And until someone invents a global pie that literally feeds everyone equally (and tastes like proper apple crumble, not economic theory), this conversation will keep going round like the Northern Line at rush hour.

Disclaimer: This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!

AMW