Europe Announces New Plan to Win Wars With Committees, Feelings, and a Very Strongly Worded Email
BRUSSELS, a place where wars are bravely fought on PowerPoint, unveiled its latest defense strategy this week, confidently explaining that modern warfare is not about weapons, logistics, or the unpleasant business of explosions, but about “systems.” Beautiful, elegant systems. Systems with binders. Systems with subcommittees. Systems that hold listening sessions before being invaded.
The new theory, presented by several extremely calm people who have never carried anything heavier than a reusable tote bag, argues that Europe does not need more tanks. What it needs is interoperability, regulatory harmony, and a shared vision statement translated into 24 languages and lightly laminated. Preferably printed on recycled paper sourced from conflict-free sustainable forests.
Military historians were stunned. One retired general reportedly whispered, “We tried that in Afghanistan, but the Taliban never showed up to the stakeholder workshop.”
The Battlefield of the Future Will Have Excellent WiFi and Pronoun Badges
According to the visionaries behind the plan, the real secret to victory is not firepower but “networked capability integration.” Which, translated from Brussels, means if every country can log into the same spreadsheet, nobody will get hurt. The spreadsheet will, of course, include a mandatory DEI impact assessment section.
Imagine a future conflict. Enemy forces are approaching. Europe responds by scheduling a cross-border Zoom call to discuss best practices. Germany shares a slide deck. France expresses concern about tone. Italy suggests a coffee break. Poland asks where the ammunition is and is muted for being negative. Sweden reminds everyone to check their privilege before making tactical decisions.
An EU defense consultant, wearing glasses that cost more than a drone, explained, “Wars are no longer won with bullets. They are won with coordination.” He then spent fifteen minutes trying to get the projector to recognize his laptop while an intern Googled “how to decolonize military strategy.”
Socialism Meets Supply Chains: What Could Possibly Go Wrong
The core belief behind this new approach is that if you put defense under the same management philosophy as public transport and agricultural subsidies, victory will simply happen out of fairness. After all, socialism has such a stellar track record of efficient resource allocation during crises.
Europe, which cannot reliably produce enough microchips or affordable housing, now believes it can centrally plan warfare. Because if there is one thing history has proven, it is that large bureaucracies move quickly under pressure and never run out of paperwork. Just ask the Soviet Union how well that worked out.
A leaked planning memo reportedly included the phrase “equitable distribution of battlefield responsibilities.” Analysts believe this means half the countries will bring helmets and the other half will bring opinions about how helmets perpetuate militaristic hierarchies.
Meanwhile, the United States was seen quietly polishing an aircraft carrier and not holding a workshop about it.
The Enemy Will Be Defeated by Compliance Requirements and Microaggressions
Under the new model, any invading force will first be required to fill out Form D-47B, “Notice of Hostile Intent.” Failure to submit in triplicate could result in sanctions or, worse, a sternly phrased tweet from a Belgian deputy commissioner who minored in Post-Colonial Gender Studies.
One EU official clarified, “We are creating a rules-based battlefield.” When asked what happens if the other side does not follow the rules, he blinked slowly and said, “That would be deeply concerning and we would immediately convene a healing circle to process our collective trauma.”
Military strategists across Europe are excited about the new “Sustainable Warfare Framework,” which ensures all missiles are ethically sourced and emotionally aware of their carbon footprint. Each munition now comes with a certificate guaranteeing it was manufactured in a worker-owned cooperative with gender-neutral restrooms.
Tanks Are Out, Task Forces and Trigger Warnings Are In
The word “tank” now makes policymakers uncomfortable. It feels aggressive, outdated, and not inclusive. Instead, Europe will deploy Rapid Multinational Integrated Response Facilitation Platforms, which experts confirm are almost as effective as tanks if the enemy agrees to wait while they are assembled and everyone attends mandatory unconscious bias training.
A senior defense planner described the new units as “modular, flexible, and deeply consultative.” Troops will not advance, they will “engage in forward dialogue.” Before entering contested territory, soldiers must complete a Land Acknowledgment recognizing whose indigenous soil they’re about to liberate.
In the event of an emergency, the response time is expected to be only slightly longer than the process for approving a new bicycle lane.
Victory Through Vibes and Virtue Signaling
Perhaps the most inspiring part of the strategy is the belief that moral superiority is a kind of armor. Europe plans to confront future threats with a combination of values, resilience, and a really good public statement ghostwritten by someone with “They/Them” in their email signature.
“Authoritarian regimes fear our commitment to inclusivity,” one policy adviser said confidently. Intelligence reports suggest those regimes actually fear artillery, but nobody wanted to interrupt because that would center violence in the conversation.
The idea seems to be that if Europe believes hard enough in cooperation, any aggressor will simply feel awkward and go home. If that fails, they’ll deploy the ultimate weapon: a TED Talk about how war perpetuates toxic masculinity.
A Stronger Europe, As Soon As Everyone Agrees (And Feels Validated)
Of course, before any of this can be implemented, all member states must reach unanimous agreement. This process is expected to take only slightly longer than the construction of the Sagrada Familia. Each country gets veto power, because hierarchical decision-making is oppressive.
Until then, Europe will continue to rely on the proven deterrence strategy of “hoping nothing happens” while hosting another symposium on reimagining security through a lens of radical empathy.
Privately, several Eastern European countries were seen buying actual weapons while nodding politely during presentations about “defense ecosystems” and “holistic threat mitigation frameworks.”
The Grand Strategy, Explained Simply (With Safe Spaces)
In summary, the new defense doctrine works like this:
If war breaks out, Europe will respond with coordination. If coordination fails, it will escalate to alignment. If alignment fails, it will issue a framework. If the framework fails, it will express deep regret and commission a report on why the framework did not feel safe or respected. If the report fails, they’ll organize a drum circle to manifest peaceful energy.
Somewhere, a historian is updating the definition of “paper tiger” to include color-coded tabs and land acknowledgments.
Final Thoughts From the Front Lines of the Conference Room
None of this is to say Europe cannot defend itself. It absolutely can. It has brave soldiers, advanced technology, and serious industrial power. It just also has a deep and unshakable belief that any problem can be solved if enough people are seated in a semicircle and given name badges with their preferred pronouns.
The rest of the world builds weapons. Europe builds processes. One of these explodes. The other requires unanimous approval and a three-week public comment period.
Time will tell which one proves more persuasive on the battlefield.
Until then, the continent rests easy knowing that if conflict comes, at least the documentation will be flawless, carbon-neutral, and available in large print for accessibility.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
