How third-wave coffee shops turned bean water into an existential crisis
The Performance of Ordering a “Regular Coffee”: A Minefield of Pretension
Walking into a third-wave coffee shop in London is like entering a temple where you’re expected to know the sacred rituals, despite having never been briefed. You are a barbarous outsider about to commit the cardinal sin: not knowing what “seasonal micro-lot single-origin” means.
The Barista Interrogation Protocol
You order a “regular coffee.” The barista pauses. Their eye twitches slightly. “Do you want espresso-based or filter? And by filter, I mean pour-over, aeropress, Chemex, siphon, or traditional drip? Also, did you know our current bean is from a small farm in Ethiopia where they practice regenerative agriculture and the owner’s cousin once met a guy who saw a documentary about sustainability?”
You simply wanted hot bean water. You have inadvertently requested a cultural experience.
The Milk Question: A Moral Judgment
Requesting regular milk is now socially equivalent to admitting you don’t recycle. The acceptable options are: oat (obviously), almond (for those with ethical concerns), cashew (for those with time), or macadamia (for those who’ve completely given up on affording rent). BBC London lifestyle coverage has documented how milk choice now indicates personality type more accurately than astrology.
The Size Catastrophe
You ask for a small. They ask if you mean “piccolo” or “short.” You freeze. These are coffee sizes that require a genealogist to trace their origins. The large is called a “largo” (literally, you’re just saying “big” in Italian). You’re not ordering coffee; you’re demonstrating your knowledge of Romance languages.
The Temperature Awkwardness
“How many degrees for your flat white?” Normal humans want it hot. Hot enough to drink, not hot enough to file an insurance claim. But apparently, precision now matters. Say the wrong temperature and they’ll judge you silently while steaming milk with the intensity of someone creating a small jet engine.
The Price Revelation
That’s £5.50. For coffee. That costs them approximately 40p. The markup isn’t capitalism; it’s a service charge for your humiliation at not knowing what a cortado is.
The London coffee culture has successfully convinced everyone that drinking hot beverage now requires a PhD in gastronomy. Most people just want caffeine. What they get is an interrogation, a lecture, and a price tag that requires a second mortgage. The Guardian’s food coverage continues to celebrate this as “sophistication.”
SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine’s deep dive into café culture
https://bohiney.com/
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
