Britain Assures Voters Everything Is Under Control, Refuses To Specify What “Everything” Is
Officials Confirm Confidence Is High, Details Are Optional
In a carefully choreographed statement delivered from a podium that cost more than several libraries, Britain’s leadership assured voters that everything is under control, pausing briefly to allow the word “everything” to echo with authority before declining to explain what it referred to.
The reassurance came from within UK Parliament, where officials emphasized calm, steadiness, and continuity while gently avoiding nouns. According to the statement, control is present, active, and ongoing. Control of what remains a matter for future clarification, likely pending a review.
A Definition of “Everything” Is Requested, Denied
Government Sources Say Specifics Would Only Cause Confusion
Pressed by reporters to define “everything,” a senior official replied that listing items would be “unhelpful” and potentially “misleading,” adding that the public should focus on the feeling of control, not the inventory.
An anonymous staffer later explained that “everything” is a flexible term designed to cover multiple areas at once, including the economy, borders, energy, housing, transport, and the general mood. “If we name it, we own it,” the staffer said, adjusting a lanyard with the concentration of someone defusing a device.
Polling conducted immediately after the announcement showed that 58 percent of voters felt reassured, 27 percent felt suspicious, and 15 percent said they were “too tired to process another assurance.”
Control as a Vibe, Not a Measurement
Metrics Are Old-Fashioned, Confidence Is Modern
Control, officials explained, should not be confused with outcomes. Outcomes fluctuate. Control is steady. Control is tone. Control is standing still while speaking clearly and using words like “framework.”
A briefing note circulated to MPs described control as “the impression that competent adults are nearby,” even if those adults are currently in meetings discussing which meetings to hold next.
A political analyst described the strategy as “governance by atmosphere.” The country may wobble, but the posture remains firm.
Opposition Asks Questions, Receives Reassurance
Scrutiny Met With Calm Repetition
Opposition MPs responded by asking what exactly is under control. The government responded by repeating that everything is under control, only more slowly and with a nod.
One MP attempted to enumerate specific issues. The Speaker intervened to remind the chamber that clarity was not on the agenda.
“This is not about micromanagement,” a minister explained later. “It’s about macrostability.”
Committees Prepare to Examine the Word “Everything”
Review Scheduled to Determine Scope of Reassurance
A cross-party committee has been formed to examine the definition of “everything,” with terms of reference expected to arrive after summer. The committee will hear expert testimony, commission reports, and eventually conclude that the word is complex.
Civil servants confirmed that a glossary is under consideration, pending approval, consultation, and a pilot program.
A leaked email from within the department described the reassurance as “bold, inclusive, and strategically ambiguous.”
Public Reacts With Familiar Expression
Calm Outside, Screaming Inside
Across the country, citizens reacted with a blend of resignation and practiced disbelief. In pubs, the phrase “under control” was repeated with the tone usually reserved for weather forecasts that involve hail.
A commuter in London said the announcement made them feel “oddly comforted,” adding, “It’s nice to know someone somewhere thinks this is fine.”
Another voter summarized the mood succinctly. “If everything is under control,” they said, “I’d hate to see the uncontrolled version.”
Why This Works, Repeatedly
Assurances Require Less Energy Than Solutions
Political historians note that assurances are efficient. They require no legislation, no funding, and no follow-up. They function as verbal seatbelts, giving the impression of safety without affecting speed.
In times of uncertainty, reassurance fills the gap left by answers. It sounds like leadership and travels well on television.
As one veteran observer of Westminster put it, “If you cannot fix it, say you have fixed it emotionally.”
Closing Statement, Delivered Calmly
Britain has been assured. Everything is under control. The government has spoken. The public has listened. The meaning remains flexible.
Order has been restored, at least linguistically.
Disclaimer
This article is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real assurances is not coincidental, merely recurring.
Auf Wiedersehen.
I am a Lagos-born poet and satirical journalist navigating West London’s contradictions. I survived lions at six, taught English by Irish nuns, now wielding words as weapons against absurdity. Illegal in London but undeniable. I write often for https://bohiney.com/author/junglepussy/.
As a young child, I was mostly influenced by the television show Moesha, starring singer and actress Brandy. Growing up, I would see Brandy on Moesha and see her keeping in her cornrows and her braids, but still flourish in her art and music, looking fly. I loved Moesha as a child, but now I take away something more special from it. Just because you’re a black girl, it doesn’t mean you need to only care about hair and makeup. Brandy cared about books, culture and where she was going — you can do both.
