U.S. Customs Adds “Unacceptable Opinions” to List of Prohibited Items
Border Agents Now Screening Passengers’ Tweets Alongside Their Carry-On Liquids
At some point in the last few years, international travel quietly stopped being about passports, tickets, and whether you remembered to remove the shampoo from your carry-on. It is now about vibes. Specifically, your online vibes. According to recent events, you can clear security, board the plane, cross the Atlantic, and still be denied entry because somewhere, sometime, you typed a sentence that made a government employee sigh deeply and reach for a rubber stamp marked Absolutely Not.
The United States, long advertised as the land of the free, has introduced a thrilling new tourism game show called Guess Which Opinion Gets You In. Contestants arrive at the border hopeful and well-rested. They leave twelve hours later clutching a pamphlet, a cold sandwich, and the knowledge that freedom of expression is still allowed, just not indoors, outdoors, or near an airport.
Visas: Now Reviewed by the Internet Manager
Officials insist these decisions are about national security, which is reassuring because nothing threatens a superpower quite like a British activist with a smartphone and a moral framework. Somewhere in Washington, an analyst squinted at a tweet, leaned back in their chair, and whispered, “This could destabilise everything.”
Experts in international relations say this marks a bold evolution in diplomacy. Traditionally, countries argued through ambassadors, trade sanctions, or awkward summits. Now they argue through border agents politely explaining that your opinions are valid, just not valid here.
A former customs officer, speaking anonymously from behind a plant, explained the new process. “We don’t read everything,” they said. “We just scroll until we feel tired or morally challenged. Then we deny entry for everyone’s safety, especially ours.”
The Free Speech Gym Membership Model
Free speech, it turns out, works like a gym membership. Everyone swears they have it, but access depends on fine print, monthly fees, and whether management thinks you’re using the equipment incorrectly. You are absolutely free to speak your mind. You just may not be free to enter the country afterward.
Civil liberties groups were quick to express concern, which was promptly logged, acknowledged, and placed in a folder titled Concerned Noises from Allies. This folder is reportedly very thick and mostly decorative.
Public reaction has been mixed. Some applauded the move as common sense, arguing that governments should not allow in people who might criticise them loudly, politely, or with citations. Others worried this could set a precedent where borders become ideological mood rings, changing colour based on who posted what last Thursday.
Tourism Board Rebrands the American Dream
The U.S. tourism industry has responded by updating its messaging. “Come Visit America” has been replaced with “Come Visit America, Pending Review.” A QR code now links to a checklist that includes passport validity, vaccination status, and a reminder to delete any tweets that could be described as earnest, critical, or sarcastic in a way officials might not enjoy.
One travel agent reported a surge in calls from confused customers. “They keep asking if sarcasm counts as extremism,” she said. “I tell them yes, but only if it’s well-written.”
Allies Practise Their Diplomatic Face
Across the Atlantic, British officials adopted their traditional posture of Deeply Aware but Lightly Involved. Statements were issued expressing disappointment, concern, and the importance of dialogue, which is diplomatic code for “we’d rather not escalate this into paperwork.”
Privately, one aide admitted the situation was awkward. “We keep telling people our closest ally shares our values,” they said. “It turns out the value they share most is discretion.”
Helpful Advice for Future Travellers
Experts now recommend a few practical steps before flying. First, review your social media history as if you are your own worst enemy. Second, replace strong opinions with photos of dogs, food, and sunsets. Third, if asked about your beliefs at the border, answer confidently with something neutral like, “I believe airports should have more seating.”
Most importantly, remember that freedom is still very much alive. It just prefers appointments, moderation, and advance notice.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“This is what happens when free speech meets customer service.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I’ve been denied entry to bars for less complicated reasons.” — Ron White
“If my tweets were a threat to national security, I’d like a medal.” — Sarah Silverman
Final Thoughts From the Gate
In the end, the border did what borders have always done. It reminded everyone that ideals sound best on paper, especially laminated ones. The lesson is clear. Speak freely, think boldly, and travel cautiously. And if you must criticise a superpower, maybe do it from your sofa, where the only authority watching is your streaming service asking if you’re still there.
Disclaimer: This satirical account is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual policies, officials, or rubber stamps is intentional. Auf Wiedersehen.
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. He currently lives in Holloway, North London. Contact: editor@prat.uk
