Cringeworthy First Dates

Self-Inflicted Wounds: 15 Cringeworthy Things Men Actually Said on First Dates

Picture the scene: a dimly lit gastro-pub somewhere between a Wetherspoons and a wine bar that takes itself far too seriously. Two people who matched on Hinge four days ago are now sitting across from each other, nursing overpriced lagers, and wondering whether this was a catastrophic error of judgement. For most, it goes fine. For the men below, it did not. Researchers at the University of Toronto found that first impressions form almost instantly and linger for weeks — which is brilliant news unless, of course, your opening gambit is asking whether clowns are sexy.

Here we go — the most unintentionally magnificent first-date lines men have said in the wild:

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15 First Date Lines So Bad They Deserve a Blue Plaque

“So… I didn’t use Google Maps to get here, I used Apple Maps. I like a challenge.”
(Translation: he showed up at the wrong pub entirely. Different postcode.)

“Before we order, how do you feel about sharing bodily functions? Like burping — is it romantic or horrifying?”
(Her face was both.)

“I hope you don’t mind if I comment on every photo on your Instagram in real time.”
(She did mind. Rather a lot.)

“You have beautiful teeth. Especially your front right incisor.”
(He definitely meant well. Bless him.)

“I’m glad you’re into falafel. I am too. Mostly. Except the smell.”
(He proceeded to sniff the air every 90 seconds.)

“How do you feel about men who still live with their parents? Because I share a room with my six cats.”
(The cats were not consulted on whether they approved of her.)

“I didn’t want to order for you, but I already told the waiter what we’re having.”
(He’d ordered three dishes she’d never heard of. She’d wanted the pie.)

“I just want to be honest: I don’t wash my hair because it absorbs ‘bad dating energy.'”
(No science supports this. He had absolute conviction.)

“Do you think clowns are sexy?”
(He blinked earnestly, like it was vital information. It was not.)

“I brought my mum’s leftover shepherd’s pie in case the food here’s rubbish.”
(He also planned to eat it. At the table.)

“My ex and I broke up because of her personal energy aura.”
(He drew diagrams on a napkin.)

“Are you open to polygamy, or should I just bookmark you for later?”
(He said that completely without irony.)

“I have a spreadsheet of 37 potential deal-breaker traits. Want to see it?”
(She did not. She googled the last train home.)

“I’m a very spiritual man. I’ve been married three times — all to different versions of myself.”
(He winked. Deeply.)

“If this goes well, I’d like to adopt five children by Christmas.”
(It was the 17th of January.)

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The Top 10 Dating Disasters Explained: Science Meets British Bewilderment

A deeper look at the worst of the lot. Think social psychology meets Channel 4 documentary as we explore why knowing what not to say may be the single most undervalued dating skill in Britain today.

1. Wrong Pub, Wrong Postcode — The Navigation Catastrophe

This man attempted to rebrand getting lost as a personality trait. According to research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, first impressions linger and shape whether people want to meet again. Announcing, without irony, that you don’t know where you are does not project the confidence required for a second date. It projects the energy of a man who once lost his car in a Tesco car park and considered it a spiritual experience.

Dating tip: If you end up in the wrong place, call it “a spontaneous adventure.” Do not call it “Apple Maps.”

2. “Burping Is a Romantic Language” — The Etiquette Implosion

Researchers confirm that etiquette violations trigger an immediate disgust response in the brain within milliseconds. In plain English: this comment said “Sunday dinner with a toddler,” not “romantic evening in Soho.” There is no recovery once you’ve opened with flatulence philosophy.

Simple rule: Do not test whether bodily noises are endearing. They are not. Not even whispered.

3. Real-Time Instagram Commenting — The Digital Menace

Real people have sat across from a date and announced they will be live-commenting every photo during the evening. UC Davis relationship researchers found that compatibility — not surveillance — is what leads to second dates. This behaviour signals an attachment style that psychologists would describe as “concerning.”

Golden rule: Do not digitally stalk your date in their literal presence. Just don’t, mate.

4. “Your Front Right Incisor Is Stunning” — The Dental Inspection

Specific compliments are wonderful. Singular, anatomically precise compliments about teeth are not. Nobody wants to feel like they’ve been assessed by an unusually romantic orthodontist.

Better approach: “Your smile is lovely.” Full stop.

5. Falafel + Odour Commentary — Sensory Chaos

Food is a brilliant first date topic. Food smells are not. There is a very clear line between “I love this cuisine” and “I would like to narrate my olfactory experience to a stranger.” He crossed it at pace.

6. Six Cats + Shared Bedroom — The Pre-Existing Condition

Living with family is entirely understandable in the current housing market. Living with six cats is what the NHS would classify as a lifestyle disclosure requiring careful framing. The cats, for their part, almost certainly judged him for going on this date in the first place.

7. Ordering Without Asking — The Unsolicited Menu Dictator

This is not a romantic gesture. This is the behaviour of a man who watched too many 1950s films and drew entirely the wrong lessons. She wanted the pie. She will always have wanted the pie.

8. Shampoo Philosophy — The Spiritual Aromatics

He was reaching for depth. He achieved odour. There is no peer-reviewed evidence that hair absorbs “bad dating energy.” If there were, it would explain Hinge entirely.

9. Clowns as Romantic Figures — Zero Context, Maximum Dread

Why ask? At what point in the evening did he decide this was a necessary conversation? The existential unease generated by this question registers somewhere between “mildly unwell” and “never using this dating app again.”

10. Mum’s Shepherd’s Pie Emergency — The Culinary Backup Plan

Carrying your mother’s leftovers in Tupperware to a first date is the sort of thing that would get three minutes on a panel show before everyone moves on, slightly unsettled. If you must bring contingency food, keep it in the car. Keep it quiet. Take it home and eat it alone, in peace.

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What Comedians Say About First Date Disasters

“There’s nothing quite like a man who arrives late, orders for you, and then explains his chakra alignment. It’s not a date — it’s a support group.” — Sara Pascoe, probably

“He brought a Tupperware. On a first date. In his rucksack. That’s not romance — that’s a man who doesn’t trust restaurants or women.” — Overheard at a comedy night in Dalston

“Dating in Britain means both of you are too polite to leave, so you just suffer through the shepherd’s pie story and split the bill.” — James Acaster, in spirit

“He showed me his deal-breaker spreadsheet. Column J was ‘attitude to custard.’ I was a no on custard. Reader, I left.” — Anonymous, Leicester

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The prat.UK Survival Guide: First Date Dos and Don’ts

Gentle readers of the British dating trenches: humanity is gloriously, magnificently weird, and nowhere is this more visible than at 7:30pm on a Tuesday in a pub that has too many cushions. Researchers at McGill University found that people who are authentic and emotionally grounded are genuinely easier to connect with on a first date — which is brilliant news for everyone who isn’t carrying their mum’s leftovers in a bag-for-life.

Every catastrophic line is also a story. You’ll laugh about it later — possibly much, much later.

If you’re a man reading this whilst mentally reviewing your last date: here is the concise survival guide.

Do:

• Ask about her interests
• Let her order her own food
• Plan ahead — don’t wing it and blame the apps

Don’t:

• Bring Tupperware
• Propose polygamy before the starters arrive
• Ask anyone’s opinion on clowns

Keep it respectful, curious, and free of spreadsheets, and the worst that can happen is that you become one of these stories instead of the person who escaped one.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!