Nation Relieved As Prince Andrew Relocated To Wolferton Village Where Everyone Thinks Andrew Can Fix Their Shed Roof
WOLFERTON, NORFOLK — In what royal aides are calling a “strategic deployment to a lower-expectations environment,” Prince Andrew has reportedly settled into the quiet village of Wolferton, a place so peaceful that the most recent crime involved an aggressive hedgehog and a missing wheelie bin.
Locals describe the area as “rural but confident about it,” which is British for “we own three tractors and an opinion about Brussels sprouts.” The good news for Andrew is that, in Wolferton, he is not treated like a disgraced former royal. He is treated like the man who might know someone who once shook hands with a bloke who could possibly influence the parish council.
“It’s lovely, really,” said Margaret Pottle, who has been waiting outside Andrew’s gate every morning with a Victoria sponge and a folder labelled IMPORTANT IDEAS FOR NATIONAL IMPROVEMENT. “He has connections. You can tell. He stands like a man who has opened at least one ribbon in his life.” Sources confirm the Victoria sponge is from a Tesco meal deal, which Margaret insists “still counts as homemade if you arrange it nicely.”
The Seven Wolferton Visionaries Who Believe Andrew Holds the Keys to Power
According to Wolferton villagers, a core group of seven residents have taken to visiting Andrew daily, convinced he remains just one phone call away from running the Empire. Some have prepared PowerPoint presentations. Others simply arrive with hope and biscuits.
There is Leonard, who has written a 900-page historical romance novel about a time-travelling badger and is “fairly sure Netflix will want it once Andrew mentions it to someone important.” Leonard has already designed the movie poster, which features a badger in Regency dress looking pensively at a pocket watch.
Next is Clive, an amateur inventor who has created a “self-buttering crumpet device” that currently requires a car battery and a fire extinguisher. He believes Andrew can get him “military funding.” When asked if the device works, Clive replied, “Define ‘works.'” When asked if it was safe, he replied, “Define ‘safe.'”
Doreen wants to win the Royal Norfolk Garden Show but suspects the judges are biased toward “flashy begonias.” She hopes Andrew can “have a quiet word with horticulture.” Her petunias, she insists, have “emotional depth” that cannot be measured by conventional judging standards.
Barry believes Andrew could help secure a bypass for Wolferton despite the fact Wolferton does not have through traffic. “It’s the principle,” Barry explained, gesturing at an empty road. “We could have through traffic. We should be prepared.”
Janice wants him to reopen a Woolworths. When reminded that Woolworths went bust in 2009, she replied, “Yes, but Andrew knows people.”
Malcolm would like Andrew to “have a look” at the moon because “it’s been odd lately.” Malcolm refuses to elaborate on what constitutes “odd” lunar behaviour, but maintains detailed charts proving his point.
And Trevor just brings soup and stares at him meaningfully. Different soup each time. Never explains. Never leaves a note. Just soup, eye contact, and silence.
Four More Wolferton Hopefuls Have Now Joined the Andrew Advisory Queue
Recently, four additional hopefuls have entered what Wolferton locals now call “The Prince’s Cabinet of Impossible Dreams.”
Pamela, who runs a crystal healing gazebo in Wolferton, believes Andrew could introduce her to “the King of Switzerland.” When informed that Switzerland doesn’t have a king, Pamela nodded knowingly and said, “Exactly. That’s why we need Andrew.”
Nigel is attempting to trademark the word “Oof” and needs legal guidance. He has already invested £47 in what he describes as “preliminary brand positioning” and a logo that is literally just the word “Oof” in Arial font.
Sheila has trained her ferret to do interpretive dance and is seeking Arts Council funding. The ferret, named Baroness Whiskers, specializes in expressing themes of “modern alienation and cheese.” Sheila has submitted seventeen grant applications, all rejected, but remains convinced Andrew can unlock governmental appreciation for performance ferrets.
And young Ethan, aged 14, would simply like Andrew to tell his mum he should not have to do maths because he is “more of a vibes person.” Ethan’s mother describes this as “absolute nonsense,” but Ethan maintains that Andrew “understands the creative spirit.”
Experts Weigh In on Wolferton’s Rural Royal Reverence
Dr Colin Burbage of the Institute for Extremely British Situations says this is textbook rural optimism.
“In small villages like Wolferton, proximity equals authority,” he explained. “If someone once waved from a balcony, they are now the regional problem-solving wizard.” Dr Burbage’s research also indicates that owning a coat with elbow patches increases perceived influence by 34 percent in communities under 800 people.
A recent Wolferton Parish Poll found 63 percent of residents believe Andrew could “pull a few strings,” 22 percent think he still has “a key to something important,” and 15 percent just like the idea of knowing a prince who might attend the raffle. The margin of error is ±12 percent, mostly because three people answered the survey twice hoping to increase their chances of royal intervention.
Wolferton Pub Status: Surprisingly Normal Despite Royal Presence
Perhaps the biggest shock is that Andrew can reportedly go to the local Wolferton pub, The Slightly Damp Badger, without being mobbed.
“Oh we leave him alone,” said pub landlord Gary. “He’s just another bloke who doesn’t know how the fruit machine works.” Gary added that Andrew once asked if the pub had “a sommelier” and was genuinely surprised when told the wine selection consisted of “red or white, love.”
Witnesses confirm he has successfully participated in two quiz nights and once said “ooh, tricky” during a question about cheeses, which locals described as “very down to earth.” He scored 4 out of 20 on both occasions but was praised for “having a go.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I love small towns. You can’t buy milk without someone asking if you know a duke.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“In the countryside, if you once owned a tie, you’re basically Parliament.” — Ron White
“If a royal moves to your village, you don’t ask about the past. You ask about potholes.” — Sarah Silverman
A Peaceful Arrangement That Suits Everyone in Wolferton
For now, the arrangement seems to suit everyone in Wolferton. Andrew gets relative quiet. The villagers get a ceremonial suggestion box in human form. And the local economy benefits from a 40 percent increase in Victoria sponge sales.
And every morning, as hopeful Wolferton locals queue with blueprints, manuscripts, vegetables shaped like Winston Churchill, and one slightly confused ferret, Wolferton continues to believe that destiny lives just beyond the hedgerow… and might pop round later for tea.
Experts agree this is the most British solution possible: take a complicated national figure and assign him to light community expectations, mild gardening influence, and occasional soup-based diplomacy. As one Whitehall insider put it: “We’ve essentially given him the constitutional equivalent of a shed to organize. Perfect.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
