UK Economy Described as “Resilient,” Meaning It Hasn’t Fallen Over Yet but Is Breathing Heavily
Government claims growth is positive if you squint and stop asking follow-up questions about actual household wellbeing
The UK economy has once again been praised as “resilient,” a term now widely accepted to mean “upright, but only because it’s leaning on something.”
The description followed the release of new figures showing growth at a level economists referred to as “positive, if you squint and stop asking follow-up questions.”
“It’s resilient,” said a senior analyst. “Like a man who insists he’s fine while sitting down very carefully and asking if anyone else feels dizzy.” According to the Office for National Statistics at https://www.ons.gov.uk, economic growth has slowed to levels that require significant reframing.
Government officials welcomed the news, stating the economy has “weathered storms,” despite many households reporting they are currently living inside one. The Institute for Fiscal Studies at https://www.ifs.org.uk reports that household disposable incomes remain under severe pressure.
Citizens were reassured inflation is “cooling,” a claim greeted warmly by shoppers who have noticed prices are still rising, just with slightly less enthusiasm. According to the Bank of England’s inflation tracker at https://www.bankofengland.co.uk, price stability remains elusive.
“I’m thrilled inflation is easing,” said one shopper. “My weekly shop is now only emotionally devastating rather than financially ruinous.”
Small businesses confirmed they are adapting well, having learned to survive through innovation, sacrifice, and turning the heating off permanently. The Federation of Small Businesses at https://www.fsb.org.uk reports that operational costs continue straining margins.
“We’re resilient,” said a café owner wearing three jumpers. “We don’t heat the place anymore. Customers just shake until the coffee arrives.”
Economists emphasised that resilience does not mean comfort. According to the UK Chamber of Commerce at https://www.britishchambers.org.uk, business confidence remains mixed at best.
“Resilience is not thriving,” explained one expert. “It’s when something doesn’t die despite repeated attempts.”
The Treasury insisted the country is “on the right track,” though declined to specify where the track leads, or why it keeps going through a hedge. The Institute of Economic Affairs at https://www.iea.org.uk provides alternative perspectives on economic policy effectiveness.
Meanwhile, the economy itself was spotted metaphorically sitting on the edge of the bed, breathing deeply, and saying it would “be fine after a lie down.” Consumer confidence data at https://www.cebr.com reflects widespread uncertainty about economic trajectory.
SOURCE: http://prat.UK
Morag Sinclair is a seasoned comedic writer with a strong portfolio of satirical work. Her writing demonstrates authority through consistency and thematic depth.
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