Parliament Confirms Nation Will Be Run on Statements, Committees, and Vibes
MPs Assure Public This Is a Strategic Choice, Not an Accident
In a clarification that arrived with the confidence of a laminated briefing note, officials from UK Parliament confirmed this week that the nation will, for the foreseeable future, be governed primarily through statements, committees, and vibes. The announcement followed several days of intense activity in which nothing happened but everything was addressed.
“This is modern governance,” a senior figure explained, speaking slowly and facing forward. “People want transparency, consultation, and reassurance. Outcomes are optional.”
The model, officials said, reflects a maturing democracy. One that understands problems are complex, solutions are controversial, and phrases like “we take this very seriously” are infinitely reusable.
Statements Take the Wheel
Action Replaced by Carefully Weighted Sentences
Under the new operating system, statements will serve as the primary mechanism of control. Statements can be issued quickly, revised subtly, and quoted selectively, making them ideal for times when certainty is inconvenient.
A typical statement acknowledges concern, condemns behavior, welcomes dialogue, and promises review. It contains verbs, but none that require movement.
An aide described statements as “policy-adjacent,” adding that they are particularly effective when delivered at a lectern with flags. “Once it’s been said out loud,” the aide noted, “people assume something has been done.”
Committees: The Nation’s New Engine Room
Every Problem Gets a Chair, a Vice Chair, and a Future Report
Committees will handle everything else. There will be committees to investigate issues, committees to review investigations, and committees to determine whether another committee is needed.
Membership will be balanced. Meetings will be scheduled. Evidence will be gathered. Recommendations will be made. Implementation will be considered later.
A veteran committee member explained the appeal. “Committees are perfect,” they said. “They look like progress, sound like seriousness, and buy time. Sometimes years.”
A leaked draft timetable shows several reports expected “in due course,” a phrase civil servants confirmed means “not soon, but not never either.”
Vibes Elevated to Strategic Status
Mood Officially Recognised as Policy Input
Perhaps the most innovative element of the new system is the elevation of vibes to a governing principle. Officials acknowledged that while data matters, the national mood matters more, particularly on television.
Decisions will now be informed by tone, atmosphere, and whether something “feels right.” A proposal that polls poorly but sounds decisive may advance. A detailed plan that dampens morale will be sent to a committee.
An internal guidance note urged ministers to “read the room,” clarifying that the room may be a studio, a feed, or a focus group.
“Vibes help us stay connected,” said one strategist. “If people feel like we’re doing something, that’s halfway to doing something.”
Opposition Welcomes Framework, Requests Slightly More Substance
Criticism Delivered, Absorbed, Deferred
Opposition figures responded cautiously, welcoming the clarity while asking whether governance might eventually include decisions. Their questions were acknowledged and referred to a cross-party working group.
During a debate, one MP attempted to push for timelines. The Speaker reminded the chamber that urgency must be handled responsibly.
The exchange ended with mutual agreement that the issue was important and would be revisited.
Civil Service Adjusts Accordingly
Machinery of Government Purrs, Goes Nowhere
Behind the scenes, civil servants adapted quickly. Briefings were expanded. Language was softened. Templates were updated to include additional synonyms for “considering.”
One official described the shift as liberating. “It’s easier to support a vibe than a deadline,” they said. “Vibes don’t miss targets.”
Public Reaction: Familiar, Tired, Still Listening
Citizens Nod, Sigh, Carry On
Across the country, the response was muted but informed. Voters expressed recognition rather than surprise.
“In fairness,” said one commuter in Westminster, “this is how it’s felt for years. It’s nice they’ve named it.”
Another citizen praised the honesty. “At least now when they say they’re setting up a committee, we know that’s the end of the sentence.”
Why This Works, Technically
Process as Performance
Political analysts note that statements, committees, and vibes form a self-sustaining ecosystem. Statements create calm. Committees create legitimacy. Vibes create momentum without risk.
Together, they allow governance to continue indefinitely without resolution, which is ideal in a climate where resolution creates headlines.
As one long-serving observer put it, “Nothing lasts longer than a temporary process.”
Closing Assurance
The nation will continue to be run. Statements will be issued. Committees will convene. Vibes will be monitored closely.
Stability remains conceptual, but communication is excellent.
Disclaimer
This article is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real procedures is coincidental, though carefully documented.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Harper Thames is a comedic writer exploring modern life through irony and subtle exaggeration. Rooted in student perspectives and London’s cultural landscape, Harper’s work focuses on relatable humour grounded in everyday experience.
Expertise is developed through writing practice and critical engagement, while authority comes from authenticity and consistency. Trust is reinforced by transparent satire and ethical humour choices.
