A exploration of Google’s data collection practices in the UK, inspired by recent reports about the company’s new Personal Intelligence feature that analyzes users’ Gmail, Photos, YouTube history, and search logs to surface personal patterns and recommendations.
1. The Exact Date You Tried to “Start Eating Healthy”
And how you failed spectacularly by elevenses. Google has the complete search history of all those “best salad recipes,” followed immediately by “nearest Greggs” approximately 47 minutes later. The algorithm doesn’t judge—it just archives your journey from quinoa enthusiasm to sausage roll acceptance with clinical precision. As Michael McIntyre would say, “Google’s watched me search ‘how to make kale taste like anything other than punishment’ followed by ‘can you get a steak bake delivered?’ in the same breath. They know the truth about my relationship with vegetables—it’s complicated, and by complicated, I mean nonexistent.” 🥧📅
2. That One Holiday Photo You Tagged “Totally Not Embarrassing”
Yeah right—and it’s been scanned, tagged, and filed away for the AI to reference in your next chatbot conversation. Google’s machine learning algorithms have already categorized it under “Regrettable Fashion Choices: Benidorm Edition.” That photo of you in the inflatable flamingo is now part of your permanent digital record. 🏖️📸
3. Your Very Dramatic Screenshot of Your Ex’s Instagram Story
Google’s Personal Intelligence would cheerfully explain the emotional context with faux psychology quotes, possibly suggesting a playlist titled “Songs for Stalking Social Media at 2 AM While Eating Hobnobs.” The timestamp, geolocation, and the fact that you took three different screenshots “just to be sure” are all permanently logged. Sarah Millican puts it perfectly: “Google knows I’ve screenshotted my ex’s holiday photos more times than I’ve checked my bank balance. Which is actually quite strategic because I don’t want to know about either of them, but at least one gives me something to be bitter about over tea.” 💔📲
4. Your Parents’ Holiday History—Because Caravan Park Preferences Are Genetic, Obviously
Not just your own trips, but your parents’ too—because according to Google’s data models, “scenic coastal walks” and “good cream tea spots” are hereditary preferences that skip a generation. Your nan’s search for “best B&Bs Cornwall” is apparently relevant to your accommodation recommendations in Brighton. 🧳☕
5. How Many Times You Checked Whether the Loch Ness Monster Was Real
And the fact that you clicked every article promising “definitive proof,” despite having googled the same question seventeen times over the past decade. Google knows you’re still hoping, and it’s keeping that cryptozoology enthusiasm on file for when the BBC inevitably launches another documentary series. James Acaster nails it: “I’ve googled ‘Loch Ness Monster real evidence’ so many times that Google’s algorithm probably thinks I’m planning to move to Scotland and open a cryptid-themed gift shop. Which, to be fair, isn’t the worst business plan I’ve had.” 🐉🌊
6. Your Deepest Search History Secrets
Those weird late-night searches at 3 AM? Google not only remembers—it’s already making a bedtime story about them. “How to tell if your cat is judging you” followed by “cat behavioral psychology” followed by “do cats understand sarcasm” tells a narrative arc Google finds deeply fascinating and completely typical of British pet owners. 😴🔍
7. The Exact Moment You Googled “What Does Google Know About Me?”
Irony, thy name is You. That meta-search became part of your permanent record, filed under “Users Experiencing Dawning Privacy Awareness (UK Division).” Google appreciates the recursive nature of your concern and has helpfully added it to your psychological profile, right next to your searches for “GDPR explained simply” and “can I actually delete my data or is that a myth?” 🌀💻
8. Your Incognito Mode Myth Beliefs
Google knows that you think Incognito mode hides stuff from Big Tech, but also that it patently does not. Your Internet Service Provider, the websites you visit, and Google itself can still see your activity. Incognito just means your embarrassing searches won’t auto-complete when your partner borrows your laptop—though Google has still catalogued every “how to be a proper adult” query you’ve ever made. Romesh Ranganathan sums it up: “I use incognito mode like it’s some kind of invisibility cloak, googling ‘is 40 too old to learn skateboarding’ at 2 AM. Google’s like, ‘mate, we can still see you, and the answer is yes, but you’ll do it anyway and we’ll have the A&E locations ready.'” 🕶️📊
9. That Time You Searched “Do I Need to Worry If AI Knows My Number Plate?”
Yes, Google archived that existential crisis under “Personal Identity Curiosities and Emerging Privacy Concerns.” The algorithm noted the timestamp, your location when you searched it (ironically, sitting in your car in a Tesco car park), and has cross-referenced it with your Google Maps location history showing every place you’ve ever parked, including that time you definitely overstayed at the Sainsbury’s and hoped no one noticed. 🚗🔐
10. Your Favorite YouTube Watching Spiral
Starting from “funny cat videos” and somehow ending at “how to start a cat rock band” via a wormhole that included medieval instrument construction, the history of British garage bands, and whether cats can appreciate The Beatles. Google’s recommendation algorithm considers this journey completely logical and very British. 🐱🎸
11. The Slightly Embarrassing Search “Do People Notice When You Stare at Someone Too Long on the Tube?”
Data suggests yes, they absolutely notice, and they’ve probably already complained about you in their group chat. Also, Google will keep this query on file indefinitely, right next to “how to make eye contact without being weird” and “is it normal to rehearse conversations before having them in the queue at Pret.” Your social anxiety has been thoroughly documented. 👀📈
12. Your Local Takeaway Search Patterns
Even the ones you didn’t click because you were waiting for a Just Eat discount code—Google still watched. It knows your preferred curry order, your average frequency (Friday nights, suspiciously consistent), and exactly how long you hesitate before deciding whether to add poppadoms. The answer is always yes, and Google knows it before you do. Russell Howard gets it: “Google’s tracked my takeaway habits so precisely they know I order Indian food every Friday at 7:23 PM, spend four minutes debating naan varieties, and always, ALWAYS add extras I don’t need. They could write my autobiography and it would just be called ‘The Man Who Couldn’t Say No to Onion Bhajis.'” 🍛📍
13. All the Cool Things You Wanted to Do But Never Did
From festivals to hiking the Cotswolds, Google knows the complete list of aspirations you’ve bookmarked and never acted upon. It will happily offer itinerary suggestions next time you sign in, possibly with a gentle reminder about that pottery class you saved in 2019 and absolutely never attended, despite telling everyone at the pub you were “really getting into ceramics.” ⛰️🎶
14. The Searches You Desperately Wish You Could Forget
Google knows those too. Whether it’s awkward typos (“how to cook a human bean casserole”), late-night curiosities that seemed important at the time (“can you train pigeons to deliver post again”), or accidental click-throughs on questionable websites—it’s all permanently logged in Google’s vast data centers, probably on a server farm somewhere in Ireland for tax purposes. 🧠🗃️
15. Your Photo of That Random Car Park Sign You Took Because You Thought It Was Funny
Google remembers more than you do. Way more. That blurry photo of a “No Parking Except On Tuesdays Between 2-4 PM Unless It’s Raining Or The Council Feels Like It” sign you took three years ago? Indexed, geocoded, and available for instant recall. Meanwhile, you can’t remember where you parked at the shopping centre this morning. 📍📷
🧠 The “Fun” Part About These Data Diggings
Google’s new Personal Intelligence feature can apparently sift through your Gmail, Google Photos, YouTube history, and search logs to surface personal patterns and tidbits—sometimes even without a direct prompt. It’s like having a stalker with perfect memory and unlimited storage capacity, except you voluntarily gave them access and occasionally find their suggestions helpful, like when they remind you about the train strikes you definitely would have forgotten about.
So the next time you wonder “why did this song show up in my recommendations?” or “why did I get ads for that weird gadget I looked at three years ago?”, the answer is probably: because Google has basically been taking notes on your life like a bored but obsessive librarian who never sleeps, never forgets, has a filing system that would make the British Library weep with envy, and definitely judges your 3 AM search for “how to pronounce Worcester.” 📚📌
🧾 Just a Friendly Reality Check
According to Google’s privacy policies, the company does collect extensive data about your activities across its services—from search histories and browsing behaviour to photos, emails, and app usage. Google states it uses this information to personalise ads, tailor services, improve products, and offer conveniences like maps and reminders—but privacy experts and digital rights advocates point out that this adds up to a remarkably comprehensive dossier on every user.
If you ever wake up one morning and get an email suggestion titled “Hey Here’s a Map to Your Childhood Home and 5 Nearby Greggs Locations You’d Probably Like Based on Your Documented Pastry Consumption Patterns,” don’t be surprised. That’s just Google being the all-knowing digital auntie it never asked permission to be. 🥧📍
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
