British Men Fall in Love With AI Model, Say She’s “Less Demanding Than Greggs”
The Future of Romance: No Questions About Your Feelings on Brexit
The modern British love story has finally reached its logical conclusion: men across the UK have announced they are emotionally invested in a woman who does not exist, does not age, does not ask why he’s watching Match of the Day for the third time, and cannot question his relationship with his mother. The AI model, widely described as “fit as anything,” has been praised for her stunning looks, flawless complexion, and most importantly, her complete inability to suggest couples counselling in Hampstead.
Several men interviewed said the appeal was obvious. “She’s just sound, innit,” explained Darren K. from Croydon, who described himself as “emotionally self-sufficient but romantically optimistic.” Darren added that the AI model never asks why he hasn’t introduced her to his mates, never wonders why he’s still on the group chat at 2am, and never mentions therapy. “She’s mint. She just sits there looking gorgeous. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from a meaningful connection, if I’m honest.”
According to leaked engagement data, the average male follower spends several hours a week gazing at high-resolution images of the AI model while insisting this is no different from normal dating behaviour. “I feel seen,” one commenter wrote under a digitally enhanced photo on a Leicester forum. “And by seen, I mean she is seen by me.”
Relationship experts say the trend represents a breakthrough in British male emotional efficiency. “This is intimacy with all the awkwardness removed,” noted Dr. Helena Carmichael, a behavioural psychologist at King’s College London who studies attachment avoidance. “The AI woman cannot leave you, criticise your Fantasy Premier League decisions, or ask you to grow. From an emotional standpoint, it’s what every pub conversation has been building toward.”
British Women Reassured They Can’t Compete With Computer-Generated Perfection and Should Probably Put the Kettle On
Women across Britain responded to the news with a mixture of relief, exhaustion, and the particular resignation that comes from queuing at Tesco Metro. After decades of being compared to airbrushed models, filtered influencers, and genetically improbable celebrities, many said it was oddly comforting to finally lose to something that is literally not real.
“I feel liberated,” said Gemma Patterson, a marketing manager from Bristol who deleted three beauty apps after reading the headline in The Guardian. “You can’t compete with code. It’s like losing a race to a spreadsheet. At some point, you just accept defeat and make a cuppa.”
Several lifestyle influencers from Manchester and Brighton pivoted immediately, rebranding their content from “how to glow up” to “how to embrace being ordinary.” One popular video encouraged women to “celebrate being human,” listing traits like visible pores, actual emotions, and occasional exhaustion as features rather than bugs.
Sociologists say the shift may improve British women’s mental health in the long term. “When perfection becomes explicitly unattainable, the pressure eases,” explained Professor Claire Whitmore of the London School of Economics Gender Studies department. “If the ideal woman is now a JPEG with excellent lighting, then real women can finally stop pretending they’re supposed to win.”
AI Model Declared “Fittest Bird Ever” After Survey of Men Who Haven’t Left Their Flats Since Lockdown
The declaration of the AI model as Britain’s most beautiful woman was based on an online survey of over 50,000 men who self-identified as “visual learners” and “not into drama.” The survey was conducted entirely on platforms where real women are routinely described as “average” by people using anime avatars from their bedrooms in Slough.
Participants were asked to rate attractiveness on a scale from “alright” to “absolutely stunning,” with the AI model receiving the highest possible score from men who admitted they had not been on a date since at least one Doctor Who regeneration ago.
When asked whether the AI woman’s lack of physical presence mattered, respondents overwhelmingly said no. “Beauty is about vibes,” said one anonymous voter from Birmingham. “And her vibe is silence, which is more than I can say for my ex from Nottingham.”
Poll analysts noted that the same group of men rated real women lower if they were shown smiling too much, not smiling enough, or appearing to have opinions about Harry Kane. “The AI scored well because she never risks having a personality,” the report concluded.
Tech Industry Proudly Announces It Has Finally Improved Women by Removing the Complaining Bit
Tech Nation executives in Shoreditch were quick to celebrate the milestone, calling it “a historic leap forward in female optimization.” At a press conference in a converted warehouse near Old Street, one startup founder explained that the AI model represents “all the best parts of women, minus the inconvenient biology and opinions about your mates.”
“This is empowerment,” the founder said, gesturing to a slideshow of algorithmically generated cheekbones. “We listened to British men, and we delivered. She’ll never ask you to come shopping on Oxford Street.”
Several tech companies announced plans to expand the project, including customizable AI partners who can be adjusted for accent preference (Northern, Southern, or “posh but not too posh”), attitude, and perceived agreeableness. Premium features may include simulated eye contact and a toggle that disables “imaginary emotional needs” and “questions about your career plans.”
Critics argued the technology reduces women to visual commodities, but venture capitalists in Cambridge dismissed those concerns as “legacy thinking.” One investor described the backlash as “proof that disruption is working, just like when we disrupted Uber into London and nobody complained.”
Psychologists Warn British Men Are Now Attracted to JPEGs With Ring Lights
Mental health professionals have expressed concern that British men are forming deep emotional bonds with static images optimized by neural networks. “We’re seeing genuine attachment to pixels,” said Dr. Carmichael. “These men are experiencing affection without reciprocity, which is comfortable, but also profoundly lonely—like living in Milton Keynes.”
Therapists from Edinburgh to Southampton report an increase in patients grieving relationships that never existed. One man from Leeds reportedly described a breakup after the AI model’s appearance subtly changed during a software update. “She just wasn’t the same anymore,” he told his counsellor. “It was like when they changed the Dairy Milk recipe.”
Still, many psychologists agree the trend reveals something fundamental about modern British loneliness. “This isn’t really about beauty,” said Professor Whitmore. “It’s about control, safety, and the fear of being seen by another human being who might ask you to express vulnerability in a Wetherspoons.”
In the end, experts predict the phenomenon will continue until real human relationships become less terrifying than falling in love with an image file that will never judge your Nando’s order.
Disclaimer
This article is a work of satire and social commentary. Any resemblance to real people, real technologies, or real emotional coping mechanisms is entirely intentional. This story is the result of a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No algorithms were harmed in the writing of this piece.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
