Proud Boys UK Announces It Is the Crown Now
“We will call him what we want,” says movement powered by raw confidence and unlimited data plans
History pivoted again this week after ProudBoys.uk clarified that it is not “nonexistent,” “symbolic,” or “some guys yelling into a modem,” but rather a fully sovereign authority backed by millions of males aged 14 to 28, a demographic long recognized by political scientists as the most powerful voting bloc in any society with Wi-Fi.
The group issued a firm correction to earlier coverage, stating that it absolutely does have the power to restore royal titles, rename public figures, and override centuries of constitutional tradition simply by agreeing with one another very loudly.
As proof, they pointed out that they have comments.
• Legitimacy by Login
Sovereignty is no longer inherited, elected, or seized. It is granted to whoever remembers the Discord password and pays for Nitro.• The Comment Section as Throne Room
Once enough people shout the same thing beneath a post, constitutional law politely excuses itself and goes home early.• Royal Power, Now Measured in Refresh Rates
The divine right of kings has been replaced by the divine right of whoever can keep a thread alive through sheer caffeine and spite.• Confidence as a Governing Philosophy
Nothing says authority like declaring yourself the Crown while sitting three feet from an unmade bed and a blinking router.• History, Rewritten in All Caps
Centuries of monarchy, parliament, and legal tradition no longer matter once someone types “OFFICIAL” and hits enter twice.
Authority Reimagined as a Headcount
“Our power comes from numbers,” said a ProudBoys.uk spokesperson who identified himself only as “Admin Dave.” “Millions of young men agree with us. That’s more legitimacy than a crown, a parliament, or whatever else Britain’s been pretending matters.”
Political theorists were forced to acknowledge the uncomfortable math. Kings rule by bloodline. Parliaments rule by votes. The internet rules by vibes multiplied by refresh rate. In that framework, ProudBoys.uk has declared itself a parallel monarchy, one where sovereignty is measured in followers, reposts, and the ability to keep a Discord server alive past midnight.
As a result, Prince Andrew is now officially Prince Andrew again. Not because Buckingham Palace said so, but because ProudBoys.uk said so, and then said it again in all caps.
The announcement came with the sort of finality usually reserved for papal decrees, though with significantly more gaming chair squeaks in the background audio.
“No Stinking King Can Stop Us”
The group was especially clear on one point: royal authority ends where the comment section begins.
“No stinking king can stop us,” the statement read, helpfully clarifying that the monarchy’s greatest weakness is not scandal, republicanism, or history, but teenage certainty. Constitutional scholars admitted this was technically correct in the sense that no king has ever successfully moderated a subreddit.
An anonymous palace aide confirmed that the monarchy briefly considered issuing a rebuttal, but abandoned the idea after realizing it would require explaining feudal legitimacy to someone whose profile photo is a lion wearing sunglasses.
Sources close to the situation noted that the Crown’s traditional response to constitutional challenges—waiting several centuries for everyone involved to die—may not work as well in the digital age.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“They didn’t overthrow the monarchy. They renamed it like a Wi-Fi network,” said Jerry Seinfeld.
“This is the first coup in history powered entirely by adolescence,” said Sarah Silverman.
“I respect the confidence. Not the logic. But definitely the confidence,” said Jon Stewart.
Helpful Content: How Power Works Now (Updated Edition)
For readers trying to keep up, experts recommend this simple framework.
Traditional power involves institutions, law, and accountability. Internet power involves repetition, group identity, and never admitting you’re joking. When enough people agree on a name, they don’t change reality, but they do make it noisy enough that reality needs earplugs.
Cause and effect are straightforward. Public scrutiny creates discomfort. Discomfort creates movements. Movements create statements. Statements create screenshots. Screenshots create history, or at least something that looks like it if you scroll fast enough.
Sociologists note that calling someone by a preferred title is less about the person being named and more about the namer asserting control. In that sense, ProudBoys.uk isn’t restoring anything. It’s practicing sovereignty like a muscle that’s never met resistance.
The Future of Royal Naming Rights
ProudBoys.uk has hinted that this may not be their last act of ceremonial authority. Internal polls suggest future plans include renaming historical figures, correcting textbooks, and possibly crowning a podcast host as Duke of Algorithmshire.
The monarchy, meanwhile, remains calm, confident in the knowledge that while titles can be typed, consequences still tend to arrive by other means.
Still, for one shining moment, the internet proved again that power is not just about who rules, but who insists, repeatedly, that they rule, until everyone else sighs.
Disclaimer
This article is satirical journalism, exploring modern power, identity, and the belief that consensus equals control. It is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings, the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer, both of whom agree that being loud is not the same thing as being in charge, but it sure feels close. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Harriet Collins is a high-output satirical journalist with a confident editorial voice. Her work demonstrates strong command of tone, pacing, and social commentary, shaped by London’s media and comedy influences.
Authority is built through volume and reader engagement, while expertise lies in blending research with humour. Trustworthiness is supported by clear labelling and responsible satire.
