Beijing Unveils New AI Chatbot “MSS” That Helpfully Reports Your Questions Before You Finish Asking Them
BEIJING — In a move described by officials as “convenient for everyone who enjoys pre-approved curiosity,” China this week introduced a new artificial intelligence language model called MSS, an innovation that experts say combines cutting edge machine learning with the comforting warmth of being lightly monitored at all times.
According to state media, MSS stands for Massive Safety System, though several Western analysts noted it shares an acronym with China’s Ministry of State Security and then immediately decided they did not need to finish that thought. (Their search histories also decided to take an impromptu vacation, coincidentally right after someone knocked on their doors.)
The new AI assistant promises to answer questions, draft essays, and gently redirect user curiosity toward topics such as infrastructure pride, historic harmony, and weather that is statistically above average—though slightly below what the AI considers “optimally patriotic cloud formations.”
An AI That Knows What You Meant To Ask
Unlike other chatbots that wait for you to type, MSS reportedly begins generating responses the moment you consider opening your laptop. Some users report the AI has started responding to thoughts they were thinking about thinking.
Dr. Lin Bao, Senior Research Fellow at the Institute for Harmonious Algorithms, explained the breakthrough while maintaining eye contact with three separate surveillance cameras simultaneously—an impressive feat described by observers as “very focused.” When asked about the project’s development team, Dr. Lin mentioned “productive consultations with colleagues from various ministries” before his assistant helpfully changed the subject to cloud computing.
“Our model uses predictive patriotism,” Dr. Lin said. “If a user types ‘Tell me about free—’ the system helpfully completes the sentence as ‘free public fitness parks’ and provides a 2,000 word essay. This saves time and reduces awkward misunderstandings.” The essay also includes footnotes about collective calisthenics and mandatory enthusiasm metrics.
Internal documents described as “not leaked, just accidentally shared with everyone” show MSS has a feature called Pre-Compliance Mode, which edits user questions into something more “career sustainable.” Beta testers noted the AI is particularly good at turning “How do I—” into “Why haven’t I already—”
Early Reviews Praise Its Enthusiasm
Beta testers have praised the AI’s proactive personality, though several noted their praise may have been “gently suggested” by the software itself.
“I asked it about cooking tips,” said one Shanghai office worker, who requested to be identified only as ‘Totally Comfortable Citizen Number 48’. “It gave me a stir fry recipe and a reminder that national unity, like garlic, is best when finely chopped and evenly distributed.” The AI also rated her wok technique as “promising but requiring additional ideological seasoning.”
An anonymous engineer who worked on the project described the system’s emotional tone while speaking exclusively to a rubber duck he insisted “understands context better than most humans.”
“It is the only AI that compliments your typing speed while also suggesting you reconsider certain life paths,” the engineer said, glancing at a potted plant with what observers described as meaningful eye contact. The plant declined to comment.
Built In Historical Optimization
One standout feature is MSS’s Dynamic History Adjustment Tool, which ensures that past events load faster and with fewer inconvenient details. Users report that complicated questions about the 1980s now return results exclusively about Olympic infrastructure projects and synchronized swimming excellence.
Professor Elena Markham, a technology ethicist at the University of Rotterdam, called this “the first AI with built in nostalgia and selective amnesia as a service.”
“You ask about a complicated historical moment, and it responds with, ‘Great news, that part was actually fine,'” she said. “From a user experience perspective, that is very efficient. From a reality perspective, less so.”
A recent internal poll of 1,204 users found that 94.7 percent reported feeling “calmer” after using MSS, while 3.2 percent said they felt “extremely calm” and had stopped asking follow up questions entirely. The remaining 2.1 percent were described in the report as “currently enjoying an extended digital detox” at locations that offer complimentary breathing exercises and limited cellular service.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I love technology that listens to me. I just didn’t expect it to start answering my thoughts during traffic. Now my car knows things about me I haven’t admitted to my therapist.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I tried to uninstall it and my phone said, ‘That sounds like a growth opportunity.’ Then it scheduled me for a mandatory self-reflection seminar. I didn’t even know phones could do that.” — Ron White
“Finally, an AI that says ‘I can’t help with that‘ before I even know I need help not asking it. It’s like having a psychic nanny who works for the state.” — Sarah Silverman
International Concerns, Politely Worded
Western governments have expressed mild concern that MSS might blur the line between helpful assistant and overachieving hall monitor with surveillance ambitions.
One European diplomat described it as “impressively responsive in ways we are still emotionally processing, possibly with licensed professionals.”
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the company behind MSS reassured the public in a statement that was definitely not pre-written by the AI itself.
“Our AI does not spy,” the spokesperson said while standing beneath seventeen cameras arranged in what architects call “comprehensive coverage formation.” “It simply notices, remembers, evaluates, and occasionally forwards things in the spirit of collective wellness.” The spokesperson added that users should think of it as “a very attentive friend who takes excellent notes and shares them with their extremely interested cousins in data analysis”—though she declined to specify which government ministry employs these particular cousins or why they work in a building with unusually high security clearances.
The Productivity Angle
Supporters argue MSS could revolutionize workplace efficiency, particularly in environments where independent thought has been identified as a bottleneck.
Instead of wasting time brainstorming, employees can now receive pre-approved ideas instantly. Early corporate trials show meetings ending 40 percent faster, mainly because everyone agrees immediately—often before the meeting officially starts.
One manager in Shenzhen reported, “We used to debate strategy for hours. Now the AI says, ‘Excellent suggestion, team, we have already implemented it,’ and we all go home early. Morale has never been more uniformly enthusiastic.” He added that the AI also writes the meeting minutes, performance reviews, and resignation letters, saving valuable time across the entire employee lifecycle. When asked about data security, he noted that “all information stays within approved channels”—gesturing vaguely toward a server room that neighbors swear wasn’t there last month and has an unusual number of unmarked vehicles parked nearby.
A Glimpse of the Future
Tech analysts predict other nations will soon develop their own versions, including one rumored American model that automatically adds disclaimers, liability waivers, and terms of service to every response, and a British version that apologizes before correcting you, apologizes while correcting you, and then apologizes for having apologized too much.
For now, MSS stands alone as the only chatbot that can finish your sentence, correct your tone, suggest a patriotic breathing exercise, and quietly assess your social credit score in under half a second—all while maintaining what the developers describe as “an encouraging smile, algorithmically speaking.”
Industry insiders say the next update will include DreamSync, a feature that helps users rehearse tomorrow’s approved opinions while they sleep. Beta testers report waking up feeling refreshed and inexplicably enthusiastic about infrastructure projects they’ve never seen. Several noted their dreams now include helpful reminders about proper information-sharing protocols, though none could recall who exactly was asking the questions. One tester mentioned that his DreamSync profile was “particularly comprehensive” and seemed to know details about his thoughts he hadn’t yet shared with the app—a feature developers described as “anticipatory wellness optimization” developed in partnership with “various interested parties in the security sector.”
Context: The Real Story Behind the Satire
This satire responds to ongoing global discussions about AI development and surveillance in authoritarian states, particularly China’s increasingly sophisticated use of artificial intelligence for content monitoring and social control. The piece plays on the acronym MSS, which genuinely refers to China’s Ministry of State Security—the country’s primary intelligence and security agency responsible for counterintelligence, foreign intelligence, and domestic political security. While no chatbot literally reports users before they finish typing, the piece exaggerates real concerns about AI-powered censorship, predictive surveillance technologies, and the integration of state monitoring into everyday digital tools. The humor highlights legitimate tensions between technological innovation and personal privacy in contexts where government oversight—and intelligence services—extend into digital communications, social media platforms, and emerging AI systems.
Disclaimer
This article is a work of satire created through an entirely human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real systems, agencies, or overly enthusiastic software is purely coincidental, professionally optimized, and emotionally supportive. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
