Tourists Worldwide Pretend They Totally Meant to Buy £14 Truffle Mushroom
Man Confidently Mispronounces “Raclette” Before Ordering
In what medical professionals are calling “acute culinary anxiety,” thousands of tourists at Borough Market are experiencing simultaneous panic attacks while attempting to order food they’ve never heard of using words they cannot pronounce.
French tourist Claire Dubois witnessed the phenomenon firsthand when she watched an American couple attempt to order “the cheese thing” while frantically pointing at a raclette stand. “They called it ‘rack-a-let’ and then ‘rak-let’ before giving up and saying ‘the melty one,'” Dubois reported, her voice thick with existential horror.
The Pronunciation Olympics
The crisis reached its peak when Boston tourist Brad Williams attempted to order “churros” at a Spanish stall, somehow pronouncing it “chairs” before panic-buying £45 worth of items he didn’t want to avoid further verbal engagement. “I now own three types of cheese I can’t name,” Williams confessed, “and I’m lactose intolerant.”
Market vendors have responded by creating a silent pointing system, though this has led to its own complications when tourists accidentally point at £50 wagyu beef while reaching for free samples.
The Shame Economy
The market’s business model apparently relies entirely on tourists being too embarrassed to ask prices. “If they ask how much, they’re not our target demographic,” explained one vendor who requested anonymity. “We’re looking for people who confidently buy £14 mushrooms and pretend they meant to.”
The Sample Scandal
Complicating matters further, tourists report confusion about which items are free samples versus which items they’ve now legally purchased through accidental touching. “I picked up a chorizo to smell it,” explained German visitor Hans Meyer, “and suddenly I’d bought £30 of Spanish ham I couldn’t pronounce, carry, or refrigerate.”
At press time, Williams was explaining to his hotel concierge that he needed refrigeration for his “emergency cheese situation.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/?borough-market-pronunciation-shame
Aishwarya Rao is a satirical writer whose work reflects the perspective of a student navigating culture, media, and modern identity with humour and precision. With academic grounding in critical analysis and a strong interest in contemporary satire, Aishwarya’s writing blends observational comedy with thoughtful commentary on everyday contradictions. Her humour is informed by global awareness and sharpened through exposure to London’s diverse cultural and student communities.
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