Funerals Aren’t Networking Events

Meghan Markle Didn’t Get the Memo That Funerals Aren’t Networking Events (Even If Everyone Else Thinks They Are)

The Great Valentino Funeral Snub That Broke the Internet

In a plot twist that has more layers than a Milan runway wrap dress, Meghan Markle — once royal, now Hollywood-adjacent, always “branding” — was reportedly unable to secure an invitation to the funeral of Valentino Garavani. Valentino, the legendary fashion designer beloved by icons and insiders alike, drew a glittering congregation of fashion royalty to Rome — but not every crown was polished enough for the guest list.

Some say funerals are about saying goodbye. Others argue they’re last-minute chances to get photographed beside Anna Wintour while pretending to mourn couture. But as insiders will now tell tabloids with the gravitas of a seasoned publicist, Meghan was decidedly on the outside looking in.

Here’s what makes this spectacle too good not to satirize.

Funerals Are the New Fashion Shows (Especially With Open Bars and Paparazzi)

Ask anyone what Valentino’s funeral was like, and they’ll sigh with reverence. Celebrities and designers gathered in Rome’s Basilica Santa Maria degli Angeli e dei Martiri, a sacred spot fit for farewelling a titan of style. Names like Anne Hathaway and Donatella Versace filled pews with equal parts grief and couture swagger.

Funeral fashion is now a thing somewhere between Paris Fashion Week and a gala you desperately want your Agent to RSVP Yes for. Studies in social psychology even suggest that mourning events have become social capital machines where attendees signal taste, connection, and not being completely irrelevant. (Not a real study, but this column insists it should be.)

The Great Snub Heard ‘Round the Internet

“Despite her best efforts,” the Duchess — or, as she may prefer, “Global Cultural Curator of Brand Self-Actualization” — failed to get an invitation. RadarOnline claims Meghan reached out to Valentino’s inner circle to try to get a seat among the fashion elite.

The news item read like a Netflix pitch gone wrong: Meghan — multi-hyphenate, former royal, aspiring influencer mogul — seeks invitation to funeral as opportunity for tasteful remembrance and integration into Italian couture hierarchy. RELEASE DATE: January 23, 2026.

This heartbreak was compounded by the fact that other A-listers got to attend. You know you didn’t make the inner circle when even Tom Ford gets a seat near the front while your PR team has to sneak in extra baguettes from the reception to console themselves.

“But I Wore Valentino Once!” — Arguments That Didn’t Work

One insider quoted on Substack suggested Meghan really just wanted to pay her respects and be seen doing so. Which is equal parts kind and classic Hollywood optics management.

Proof she cared? She once wore Valentino several times in the 2010s and beyond — Morocco tours, Global Citizen events, and so on. To any casual observer this is genuine homage. To the gatekeepers of Roman funerals, it reads more like someone trying to get another selfie beside the Vogue Editor.

The moral? In the couture ecosystem, past runway attendance doesn’t always equal present Sunday Mass seat. But wearing a Valentino piece years ago still looks fabulous on Instagram. That’s the joy and agony of infinitesimal social tiers — very meta, very necessary if you’re positioning your “brand.”

Social Media Weighs In (Because What Else Would Happen)

On Threads and Reddit, the reactions ranged from “She probably just had scheduling conflicts” to “Clearly someone forgot to CC her on the Vatican guest list.” Some predict she’ll land at Taylor Swift’s hypothetical wedding next begging for another invite — one where there’s, at least, cake.

One commenter wrote, “Maybe the problem was the funeral was in Rome and not on a yacht in Saint-Tropez.” Precise, bitter, and oddly plausible.

Cause and Effect: What the Snub Really Means

Sure, a funeral snub might seem trivial. But in the attention economy, not getting invited to a high-profile memorial is a scandal if you positioned yourself as part of that world. The effect?

• Media runs headlines about the ‘Diva Duchess’ failing to secure an invitation.
• Social feeds fill up with guesses, insults, and a few bewildered tourists asking where the Vatican is.
• Meghan’s own content team now has to pivot into crisis mode — possibly with a fun TikTok about “Five Ways to Handle Not Being on the Guest List”.

And all because someone (somewhere) decided funerals are now curated experiences with velvet ropes, no matter how much you wore Valentino back in 2019.

Expert Opinion (From That One Guy Who Thinks Funerals Are Fashion Week)

Celebrity etiquette coach Dr. T. Socially Conscious says, “Funerals were never meant to build your brand. But now everyone treats them like satellite fashion events. It’s both disrespectful and completely mainstream.”

Meanwhile, a faux poll conducted by That One Tabloid suggests 62 percent of people think any excuse to wear black and get photographed now counts as a career move. (Statistic pulled directly from a garbage fire of comment threads.)

The Real Takeaway

Meghan Markle’s snub — real or exaggerated by the gossip machine — is a vivid example of the bizarre ways cultural relevance is now measured. Are you invited to parties? Weddings? Funerals? If yes, clout. If no, deferred brand equity.

But here’s the twist nobody on Twitter mentioned yet: funerals belong to the deceased and their loved ones — not to wandering global influencers chasing another photo op in Rome. Sometimes not getting on the list is mercy for everyone involved.

After all, celebrating life can be done without costumes worthy of Milan runway postings. Let the dead rest in peace … and the living find some humility.

Disclaimer

This satirical piece is a playful human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. It is not written by AI and is purely a commentary on media, culture, and the peculiar economics of modern celebrity.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!