Ask a Londoner
A Perfectly Reasonable FAQ Answered by an Unreliable Witness (Part One)
Welcome to Ask a Londoner, the only satirical FAQ where the questions are sensible, the stakes are high, and the answers are delivered by someone who has been wrong with confidence for decades. This is not misinformation. This is Londonformation. 🇬🇧
We will eventually reach fifty questions. London was not built in a day, and neither is a proper lie. For now, Part One.
What Is “Ask a Londoner” Supposed to Be?
Q1. What is London really like?
A: Expensive, damp, emotionally reserved, and somehow still smug about it. Think of it as a global city that charges you rent for the privilege of being ignored.
Q2. Is London safe?
A: Yes, as long as you walk fast, avoid eye contact, and never look like you need help. Criminals respect confidence and so do bus drivers.
Q3. Why do Londoners walk so fast?
A: We are either late, pretending to be late, or trying to look like we have somewhere important to be. Sometimes all three.
Ask a Londoner About Money
Q4. How much money do I need to live in London?
A: Roughly three incomes, one trust fund, and a casual willingness to share a bedroom with a stranger named Callum who owns a drum.
Q5. Why is rent so high?
A: Because history, global finance, and a belief system that says if you cannot afford it, you simply do not deserve walls.
Q6. Is it possible to save money in London?
A: Yes. Step one: leave London.
Ask a Londoner About Transport
Q7. Is the Tube easy to use?
A: Extremely. You only need a map, an app, a backup app, a local guide, and the emotional resilience to be wrong underground.
Q8. Why does everyone stand on the right?
A: Tradition, law, and fear. Break it once and a retired man named Derek will explain the concept of order to you in detail.
Q9. Is Uber reliable in London?
A: Yes, unless it is raining, sunny, rush hour, off-peak, or a day ending in “y.”
Ask a Londoner About Weather
Q10. Does it really rain all the time?
A: No. Sometimes it just threatens to rain. That is worse.
Q11. Why do Londoners talk about the weather so much?
A: Because it is the only safe topic that does not reveal emotion, opinion, or vulnerability.
Q12. Is it cold in London?
A: Not physically. Spiritually.
Ask a Londoner About Food
Q13. Is British food really bad?
A: Absolutely not. We now have food from every other country to compensate.
Q14. What is the best food in London?
A: Something authentic, served in a place with bare bricks, exposed wires, and prices that suggest trauma.
Q15. Why does everything close so early?
A: We like to be home by ten, emotionally exhausted and pretending we had plans.
Ask a Londoner About Social Life
Q16. Are Londoners friendly?
A: No. But we are polite, which is much better and far more confusing.
Q17. How do you make friends in London?
A: You do not. You acquire acquaintances who disappear when you suggest meeting again.
Q18. Do Londoners talk to strangers?
A: Only if the Tube breaks down. Shared inconvenience unlocks temporary humanity.
Ask a Londoner About Culture
Q19. Is London multicultural?
A: Extremely. We celebrate diversity by queueing separately but equally.
Q20. What do Londoners do for fun?
A: Eat brunch, complain about brunch, and discuss moving somewhere cheaper without ever doing it.
Ask a Londoner About Love and Dating
Q21. Is dating in London difficult?
A: No, it is efficient. You meet, pretend not to care, split the bill, and never speak again. Very streamlined.
Q22. Where do Londoners meet romantic partners?
A: Apps, pubs, mutual friends, work, and occasionally during rail replacement bus services when morale is low.
Q23. Are Londoners emotionally available?
A: Absolutely. Just not to you, not right now, and not in writing.
Ask a Londoner About Accents
Q24. Why are there so many accents in London?
A: Because London collects accents the way museums collect artefacts. No one remembers how they got here.
Q25. Do accents affect how people are treated?
A: Of course not. Everyone is treated equally based on confidence, postcode, and how relaxed they sound ordering coffee.
Q26. Can I fake a London accent?
A: You can try. We will notice. We will not correct you. That is worse.
Ask a Londoner About Class (But Pretend You Are Not)
Q27. Does class still matter in London?
A: Not at all. We just quietly assess your schooling, vowels, job title, and relationship with olives.
Q28. How can you tell someone is upper class?
A: They say “sorry” when bumped into and genuinely mean it.
Q29. How can you tell someone is pretending?
A: They mention their area three times and pronounce it incorrectly.
Ask a Londoner About Housing
Q30. Why are flats so small?
A: Efficiency. Also tradition. Also because if you can stand up straight, you are clearly overpaying.
Q31. What does “cozy” mean in property listings?
A: You will need to choose between a bed and self-respect.
Q32. Is it normal to share a flat as an adult?
A: Yes. Adulthood is a mindset, not a square footage.
Ask a Londoner About Work
Q33. What do people in London actually do for work?
A: They work in finance, media, tech, consulting, or something so vague it cannot be Googled.
Q34. Do Londoners like their jobs?
A: They like explaining their jobs at dinner. The work itself is negotiable.
Q35. Why does everyone say they are “so busy”?
A: Because admitting free time suggests moral failure.
Ask a Londoner About Identity
Q36. Who counts as a real Londoner?
A: Anyone who has complained about London loudly but refused to leave.
Q37. Where are Londoners originally from?
A: Somewhere else. We arrive, complain, and claim local authority within eighteen months.
Q38. How long until I can say “I live in London” with confidence?
A: The moment you start correcting other people about London.
Ask a Londoner About Leaving
Q39. Do people ever leave London?
A: Yes. They announce it dramatically, move to Zone 6, and continue commuting.
Q40. Would you ever leave London?
A: Of course. Just not now. Or soon. Or realistically.
Ask a Londoner About Tourists
Q41. Do Londoners hate tourists?
A: No. We love tourists. They make us feel worldly, superior, and very aware of how slowly some people walk.
Q42. How can I avoid looking like a tourist?
A: Walk fast, look annoyed, and pretend your phone battery is at 3 percent even when it is not.
Q43. Is it okay to stop suddenly in the street?
A: Absolutely not. This is the closest London comes to capital punishment.
Ask a Londoner About Etiquette
Q44. What is the most important rule in London?
A: Do not talk on the Tube. You may text, sigh, or stare into the middle distance like a Victorian ghost.
Q45. What happens if I break etiquette?
A: Nothing outwardly. Internally, everyone hates you with remarkable focus.
Q46. Are queues really that serious?
A: Yes. The queue is the backbone of civilisation. Without it, we would immediately descend into polite chaos.
Ask a Londoner About Pubs
Q47. What is the purpose of the pub?
A: To drink, complain, avoid going home, and discuss moving somewhere cheaper while doing none of that.
Q48. How do I order at a pub?
A: You wait. You do not wave. You do not shout. You make eye contact that says “I understand the system.”
Q49. Why do London pubs all look the same?
A: Familiarity builds trust. Also, we stopped updating decor in 1987 and agreed it was fine.
Ask a Londoner About Opinions
Q50. What do Londoners really think about London?
A: It is exhausting, unfair, brilliant, overpriced, essential, unbearable, and absolutely the centre of the universe. We will complain endlessly and defend it instantly. Only we are allowed.
Final Notes From the Londoner
This has been Ask a Londoner, a complete and authoritative guide powered entirely by attitude.
You now know enough to survive, complain convincingly, and give directions with undeserved certainty.
If you learned nothing, that means it worked.
Welcome to London.
Mind the gap.
Stand on the right.
And remember: confidence matters more than accuracy.
Auf Wiedersehen. 🇬🇧🫖