Nation Reassured That Calling Someone “Daddy” in Bed Is Perfectly Normal, Provided Everyone Agrees Words Haven’t Actually Meant Anything Since 2015
Sex Therapists, Lifestyle Bloggers, and Self-Proclaimed “Intimacy Coaches” Unite to Calm a Public That Wasn’t Particularly Fussed in the First Place
Britain woke this week to a reassuring chorus after a lifestyle influencer, a polyamory educator, and a sex therapist collectively confirmed that addressing one’s partner as “daddy” during intimate moments is neither peculiar, nor dodgy, and absolutely not referring to one’s actual father—a clarification experts felt compelled to offer unprompted, just in case anyone was having a think about it.
The clarification materialised via a carefully worded LADbible article, whose principal accomplishment was soberly explaining a phrase most Britons had successfully managed to ignore until precisely this moment.
“There’s no getting round it,” the article announces, before proceeding to skirt around it for several hundred words.
Linguists Confirm “Daddy” Has Officially Left the Nuclear Family Unit
According to the piece, “daddy” is now a versatile, multifunctional expression signifying power, trust, safety, confidence, control, and occasionally “hitting differently.” Linguists observe this represents the terminal phase of language evolution, wherein words abandon their original definitions entirely and transform into vibes with consonants.
Professor Reginald Threadgold of the Institute for Linguistic Exhaustion explained that this is precisely how English survives the internet era.
“When a word becomes uncomfortable,” Threadgold remarked, “we simply declare it symbolic and carry on. That’s how we kept ‘literally’ functioning after it perished from overuse.”
The article meticulously reassures readers that “daddy” bears no relation to fathers, despite dedicating a surprising portion of column space insisting upon that precise point. Experts concur this resembles the verbal equivalent of announcing “no need to panic” whilst maintaining prolonged eye contact.
Polyamory Educator Explains Everything’s Perfectly Fine, Which Statistically Suggests Otherwise
The primary authority quoted is VistaWife, described as a “swinging educator,” an occupation that didn’t exist before broadband internet and ought probably to require professional certification now that it does.
VistaWife assures readers that employing “daddy” concerns power dynamics, not parenthood, and that anyone attempting it for the first time may briefly question their entire existence—a phenomenon the article treats as a standard side effect rather than a cautionary indicator.
“Sometimes ‘daddy’ just hits differently,” VistaWife clarifies, helpfully deploying “literally,” a word now performing as much labour as “not weird.”
When questioned whether individuals should feel compelled to utilise the phrase, VistaWife encouraged everyone to “just do what feels safe and comfortable,” terminology that now officially translates to “please cease sending us electronic correspondence.”
Sex Therapist Confirms Everyone’s Overthinking It, Including Those Providing the Explanations
A sex therapist quoted in the article similarly reassures readers that the expression isn’t an indicator of unresolved parental issues, observing that no woman she’s ever encountered actually fancies imagining her father in the bedroom.
This clarification was met with nationwide relief, followed by a contemplative silence during which everyone processed why such a statement required articulation.
She further explains that “daddy” might simply denote “the boss,” “the protector,” or “someone performing admirably,” which immediately generated confusion amongst middle managers, security guards, and individuals who’d just completed the washing-up particularly thoroughly.
A Nation Divided Between “That’s Sound” and “I Rather Miss 1997”
Public response has fractured into two camps: those insisting this is perfectly normal behaviour, and those quietly Googling “how to return to a less complicated timeline.”
A poll administered by the Centre for Cultural Overanalysis discovered that 58 percent of adults would prefer intimacy without a glossary, 27 percent will nod and feign comprehension indefinitely, and 15 percent have elected to take up pottery instead.
“I simply want people to articulate what they mean,” confided one anonymous reader. “If that’s asking too much, I’m content dying alone with my cat.”
The Uniquely British Dimension: When Class Meets the Bedroom
What the article neglected to address—perhaps deliberately—is how the phrase navigates Britain’s famously intricate class system. Does one’s accent matter when deploying “daddy”? Does Received Pronunciation render it more acceptable, or does a Geordie inflection provide authenticity? These crucial questions remain unanswered.
Sociologist Dr. Penelope Harrington-Smythe of the London School of Economics notes that bedroom terminology has historically reflected class divisions. “The upper classes have always employed euphemisms whilst the working classes favoured directness,” she observed. “The emergence of ‘daddy’ as classless vernacular represents either democratic progress or linguistic capitulation, depending on one’s perspective.”
Meanwhile, the established middle class—representing 25 percent of Britain according to recent surveys—finds itself caught between wanting to appear progressive and worrying whether saying “daddy” might seem a bit common. “It’s the Waitrose dilemma of bedroom slang,” noted one anonymous source. “You want to seem adventurous but not like you’ve just discovered it on Love Island.”
The Final Reassurance Nobody Requested
The article concludes by reminding readers that it’s “not weird unless you make it weird,” officially transferring the burden of awkwardness onto anyone who still maintains words should possess meaning.
Experts concur this represents where contemporary discourse now resides: a calm, well-illuminated space where nothing is peculiar, everything requires explanation, and everyone’s just a touch knackered.
Disclaimer
This story represents entirely human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No algorithms were consulted, harmed, or held responsible in the creation of this reassurance. Any residual discomfort remains your personal burden.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Harriet Collins is a high-output satirical journalist with a confident editorial voice. Her work demonstrates strong command of tone, pacing, and social commentary, shaped by London’s media and comedy influences.
Authority is built through volume and reader engagement, while expertise lies in blending research with humour. Trustworthiness is supported by clear labelling and responsible satire.
