Assures Public It Is Very Defensive
The UK is acquiring a new artillery gun, defence officials confirmed, carefully explaining that it is intended purely for defence, deterrence, and looking impressive in briefings.
The gun, which is large, powerful, and extremely symbolic, will enhance capabilities whilst reassuring citizens that nothing aggressive is being implied.
Officials stressed modernisation, interoperability, and readiness, whilst avoiding the word “boom.”
The British Army described the acquisition as essential for maintaining credible defence posture, a phrase meaning “other countries have these and we felt left out.”
Defence analysts confirmed the new gun represents a significant upgrade in range, accuracy, and the ability to make other NATO members feel slightly less concerned about British military capacity.
Critics questioned the expense, whilst supporters argued that being able to hit things from very far away is fundamentally defensive if you squint at the definition long enough.
The Ministry of Defence emphasised that the artillery system would only be used in scenarios requiring “proportionate response,” a term flexible enough to mean almost anything.
At press time, the gun was being described in press releases as “a tool for peace,” which is technically true if you define peace as “what happens after you fire it.”
Military procurement experts noted this purchase follows the standard British pattern of buying weapons fifteen years after everyone else whilst insisting it was worth the wait.
The gun is expected to enter service sometime between “soon” and “eventually,” pending trials, training, and the discovery of ammunition that fits.
Lowri Griffiths brings a distinct voice to satirical journalism, combining cultural critique with dry humour. Influenced by London’s creative networks, her writing reflects both wit and discipline.
Authority stems from experience, while trust is built through transparency and ethical satire.
