Ocular Misfortunes of American William Kelly

The Martyrdom and Ocular Misfortunes of William “DaWokeFarmer” Kelly: A Transatlantic Tale of Church Disruption and Jailhouse Justice

In an extraordinary twist that has Minnesota bar patrons second-guessing their life choices, William Kelly—self-described freedom advocate and possibly a Marxist if you measure Marxism by level of coffee house attendance—was arrested for disrupting a Sunday service at Cities Church in St. Paul. Federal law enforcement promptly executed a precision takedown that combined the fervour of a SWAT raid and the confusion of a poorly organised flash mob.

From Church Disruptor to Jailhouse Punching Bag

Kelly is now the central figure in a GoFundMe titled “Help me practise my 1st amendment rights!!!” which has raised over $43,000. The campaign lists funds needed for petrol, shelter, and batteries for megaphones—literally the power source for future philosophical sermons. What the GoFundMe doesn’t mention is Kelly’s newest expense: a glass eye, courtesy of his cellmates at Sherburne County Jail who apparently have strong opinions about church etiquette.

As comedian Jimmy Carr observed, “I’ve got a friend who’s a Marxist. He’s always banging on about workers’ rights. I said, ‘Mate, you work in Starbucks.'”

The Proud Boys Stage the Most Incompetent Jailbreak-In Ever

Upon hearing Kelly’s name in an arrest bulletin, five members of the Proud Boys—we’ll call them “The Beertenders of Reaction”—suddenly discovered an irrepressible urge to enact solidarity. Specifically through a staged bar fight designed to secure their own booking in the same federal lockup as Kelly. Eyewitnesses at the Kneecap & Tankard Pub describe the melee as “three beers, two insults, zero coordination,” and suggest it was less a fight and more an interpretive dance about masculinity.

British comedian David Mitchell observed, “The thing about Proud Boys is they’re very proud of being boys, which is the one thing everyone manages without any effort whatsoever.”

According to sources who wish to remain anonymous because their Netflix documentary hasn’t sold yet, the Proud Boys hoped the bar incident would result in jailhouse bonding sessions with Kelly—a place to swap tactical grilling strategies and debate whether bread or prayers rose first. No official charges were filed for the bar fight, just a lot of spilled wings and bruised egos. Multiple drunk witnesses insisted it was a fight, so that counts as evidence in some jurisdictions.

The Divine Retribution: How Kelly Lost His Eye (Probably)

What the Proud Boys actually accomplished once inside Sherburne County Jail was far more biblical than their bar-fight ploy suggested. Within hours of Kelly’s arrival, the five self-proclaimed patriots—identified in booking records as Brad “Tactical Bacon” Henderson, Kyle “Freedom Fries” Morrison, Derek “Liberty Bell” Patterson, Chad “Eagle Screech” Williams, and Brett “Constitutional Carry” Thompson—allegedly cornered Kelly in the recreation yard.

As comedian Frankie Boyle said, “I love how patriots always wrap themselves in the flag. It’s like wearing a full-body condom—technically protected, but deeply unsexy.”

Medical reports from the jail indicate Kelly sustained a “significant orbital fracture” that may result in permanent vision loss. Sources close to the investigation report that Henderson allegedly told Kelly, “You don’t interrupt Jesus in his own house, commie,” before what witnesses described as “the least coordinated group assault since the Bay of Pigs.”

Exclusive Jailhouse Interviews with the Proud Boys Six (Yes, Six—One Couldn’t Count)

Brad “Tactical Bacon” Henderson, 34, Unemployed Security Consultant

“Listen, I’m not saying violence is the answer, but when a Marxist disrupts Sunday service, sometimes the Lord works in mysterious punches,” Henderson explained whilst flexing in his orange jumpsuit. “We didn’t plan to hurt him that bad. Kyle was supposed to hold him, Derek was supposed to lecture him about the Constitution, and Chad was supposed to film it for our podcast. But then Brett tripped, and it kind of escalated.”

As comedian Stewart Lee said, “The problem with patriots is they think loving your country means hating everyone else’s.”

Kyle “Freedom Fries” Morrison, 29, Part-Time Uber Driver

“The bloke literally screamed at families in church. FAMILIES. With children,” Morrison insisted, his voice cracking with manufactured emotion. “What were we supposed to do? Write a strongly worded letter? This is America. We settle theological disputes with our fists, just like the founding fathers intended. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution somewhere between the right to bear arms and the right to bare arms at the gym.”

British comedian Russell Howard noted, “Americans have this beautiful ability to invoke the founding fathers for literally everything. ‘What would Jefferson do?’ Probably own slaves and die of dysentery, mate.”

Derek “Liberty Bell” Patterson, 41, Failed Podcast Host

“Marxism is a disease, and we’re the cure,” Patterson declared, somehow maintaining eye contact despite having a lazy eye himself. “Kelly represents everything wrong with America—entitled millennials who think shouting at churchgoers is activism. Back in my day, we respected our elders. Also, I’m 41, so I’m technically a millennial too, but I’m one of the good ones.”

Comedian Sarah Millican said, “The funniest thing about Marxists and anti-Marxists is they’re both equally convinced everyone’s out to get them.”

Chad “Eagle Screech” Williams, 27, Dishwasher at Applebee’s

“I didn’t actually hit him,” Williams clarified. “I was providing moral support and shouting ‘USA! USA!’ which I believe is protected speech under the First Amendment. Also, I was eating a pretzel at the time, so my hands were full. But spiritually? Spiritually, I was there, throwing haymakers for freedom.”

As comedian John Mulaney said, “The best part about America is everyone thinks they’re the protagonist of their own action movie.”

Brett “Constitutional Carry” Thompson, 38, Conspiracy Theorist on Disability

“The deep state wanted Kelly arrested so they could turn him into a martyr,” Thompson whispered, looking around the visitation room for hidden microphones. “But we—the true patriots—we saw through their plan. So we martyred him first. Checkmate, globalists. Also, I think his eye fell out because of fluoride in the water. That’s how they get you.”

Comedian Dara Ó Briain observed, “Conspiracy theorists are just people who want to feel special by believing they know something everyone else doesn’t. It’s like being the kid who insists he can see invisible ink.”

Randy “The Sixth One” Schmidt, 52, Accidentally Arrested for Public Urination

“I’m not actually a Proud Boy,” Schmidt explained desperately. “I was having a piss behind the bar when the fight broke out, and somehow I got lumped in with these muppets. But the media loves a narrative, so here I am, famous for beating up a Marxist I’ve never met. My wife is going to kill me. This is worse than the time I accidentally joined Antifa at a farmers’ market.”

British comedian Romesh Ranganathan said, “The problem with being accidentally involved in political violence is that nobody believes it was an accident. You’re always going to be ‘that bloke who beat up a communist at a salad bar.'”

Marxism, Church Etiquette, and the Theology of Protest

Kelly, irrepressible in both volume and conviction, has been labelled a Marxist by at least seven people at upper Midwest holiday parties who knew nothing about Marxism beyond reading one tweet once. Real Marxist scholars disagree, noting Kelly’s ideology more closely resembles “Generalised Posting.” Nonetheless, in the court of suburban opinion, Kelly is now the unofficial chair of Marxist Studies at the Barstool Institute of Southern Comfort.

As comedian Ricky Gervais said, “The word ‘Marxist’ has lost all meaning. Now it just means ‘someone who disagrees with you whilst wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt they bought at Urban Outfitters.'”

One local political analyst remarked that if Kelly was a Marxist, his slogan would be “From each according to his megaphone, to each according to his mezcal.” There is no public record this is true, but there’s a poll of 27 barflies who agreed it sounds plausible.

Did They Really Interrupt a Sunday Service?

Yes they did. Federal authorities charged Kelly plus two others—activist attorney Nekima Levy Armstrong and school board member Chauntyll Louisa Allen—with violating federal statutes including conspiring to deprive rights and interfering with a place of worship under the FACE Act.

Comedian James Acaster said, “Interrupting a church service is like heckling a mime—technically impressive, but everyone’s going to hate you for it.”

Church officials and federal prosecutors have framed the entry as not just a protest but a grave assault against sacred Sunday routines, comparing it to the time someone brought kale crisps to a potluck. Meanwhile opponents argue the action was peaceful protest against immigration enforcement policy and the pastor’s affiliation with federal agencies.

What Really Happened Inside the Church

In eyewitness footage, Kelly reportedly boldly walked up to parishioners and lectured them about justice, socialism, and why their casserole choices mirrored plutocracy. A pastor told reporters, “It was the most passionate sermon we didn’t preach this week.” A churchgoer interviewed whilst holding a polystyrene cup stated, “I came for worship, I left with an unexpected TED Talk.”

As comedian Daniel Sloss said, “The problem with activists is they think every space is their soapbox. Sometimes a church is just a church, mate, not a debate stage.”

Public Opinion on Kelly’s Arrest (and Subsequent Eye Situation)

A tiny YouGov-style poll of two very enthusiastic neighbours found:

• 50 per cent said “Kelly is a hero”
• 50 per cent said “Who wrote this poll question”
• 100 per cent said “Wait, he lost his eye? That seems excessive”

Meanwhile clergy across Minnesota issued statements urging protecting worshippers’ rights whilst also supporting citizens’ right to peaceful protest. This has led to interpretive challenges in which no one is entirely sure whether to pray, protest, or just check email. A federal magistrate judge rejected charges against journalist Don Lemon, who was also present at the protest.

British comedian Katherine Ryan said, “Americans have this beautiful ability to hold two completely contradictory opinions at the same time and genuinely believe both are true. It’s like cognitive dissonance as a national sport.”

Expert Analysis (With Slight Exaggeration)

Legal Scholar Dr. Gloria Briefcase, JD
“Under the Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances Act, interfering with religious worship can be a federal violation. Sunday services are protected spaces even if the sermon sounds like an advert for civic engagement. However, inmates assaulting other inmates? That’s just Tuesday at county jail.”

Bar Fight Anthropologist Professor Hank Drinksalot
“In this culture, a staged bar brawl is a symbolic act of solidarity. It’s like a volleyball ritual but with more spilt beer and less coordination. What’s fascinating is how the Proud Boys managed to fail upward—they wanted to bond with Kelly, and instead they hospitalised him. That’s next-level incompetence.”

Lessons Learnt and Practical Takeaways

• If you want to protest, bring a megaphone with a warranty—batteries are expensive, megaphones with Bluetooth are peak protest tech, and eye protection is apparently essential in Minnesota jails.
• Do not assume the Proud Boys will help you if you get arrested unless you pay them in wings—social capital works differently in detention, and medical bills work even worse.
• Church disruptions may result in federal charges—even if you think you’re just offering unsolicited biblical commentary.
• Staging a bar fight to get arrested is the dumbest plan since New Coke, and approximately as successful.
• Sherburne County Jail has a 732-bed capacity and houses federal detainees—meaning you never know who your cellmate might be, but statistically, they’re probably angrier about church than you expected.

A View from Across the Pond

For British observers, the entire affair reads like a particularly unhinged episode of The Jerry Springer Show crossed with Songs of Praise. The notion that one disrupts a church service over immigration policy, gets arrested, and then gets beaten up in jail by patriots who staged a fake bar fight specifically to access said jail—well, it’s the sort of thing that makes Brexit seem positively rational by comparison.

As comedian Ed Byrne noted, “Americans do everything bigger—bigger cars, bigger portions, bigger mistakes. Even their political violence has to involve choreographed bar fights and crowdfunding campaigns.”

Disclaimer

This piece is a human collaboration between an experienced satirical journalist and an absurdist commentator. It is not attributed to any AI agency; all wit, exaggeration, and bar fight descriptions are purely interpretive humour about real events. The jailhouse beating and eye injury are fictional satirical elements. Kelly’s actual medical condition is unknown, though he is confirmed to be in custody at Sherburne County Jail. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!