WORLD CUP STARTED EARLY: Entire 2026 Tournament Quietly Played Last Night While You Slept
England knocked out on penalties, America declared moral winners, Canada very polite about it
In a scheduling mix-up blamed on time zones, streaming rights, and “a vibes-based kickoff,” the entire 2026 World Cup was completed overnight, finishing at approximately 3:47am while most of Britain was unconscious and optimistic.
England exited heroically after a brave 0-0 draw followed by penalties that immediately activated the nation’s muscle memory for disappointment. Gareth Southgate described the performance as “encouraging,” which experts confirmed is the traditional post-tournament word meaning “we’re going again in four years.”
The United States claimed victory after a thrilling 9–7 shootout victory decided partly by audience applause and a sponsored halftime drone show. Canada were eliminated early but issued heartfelt apologies to everyone involved, including teams they didn’t play.
FIFA declared the tournament a “logistical success,” noting it reached billions, mostly via highlights you were told you “simply had to see.”
You missed it. Don’t worry. So did England.
England Fans Plan Open-Top Bus Parade After 1-0 Win Against Totally World-Class Minnows
England fans have entered their usual “this time it’s coming home” phase after a routine opening win, treating a scrappy 1-0 result as conclusive proof of destiny. Pubs across the country erupted into chants referencing 1966, despite most participants being born decades later. Several supporters were overheard discussing parade routes through London, while others began speculating about knighthoods, statues, and whether Gareth Southgate prefers bronze or marble. The nation’s optimism remains undefeated by evidence.
Southgate Debuts 8-1-1 Formation, Insists Parking Actual Bus in Goal Is “Just a Tactical Variation”
Gareth Southgate unveiled what he described as a “flexible, modern system,” which suspiciously resembled an anxiety response with shin pads. Featuring seven defenders, two holding midfielders, and one lonely striker, the formation was praised by pundits who mistake fear for pragmatism. Southgate reportedly rehearsed penalty shootouts during warm-ups, explaining that it’s “best to be prepared emotionally.” England fans nodded knowingly, already bracing for heartbreak with the calm of people who’ve been here before.
Harry Kane Kicks Penalty Over Crossbar, Scores Field Goal at Neighbouring NFL Game
Harry Kane’s influence on American soil was immediate when a missed penalty sailed cleanly into the adjacent NFL stadium, earning three points and polite applause from confused locals. Several American fans assumed this was part of the sport, while England supporters briefly debated whether the goal should count “on aggregate.” Kane later scored properly, but rumors persist that an NFL scout requested his autograph and asked if he’d “consider Sundays.”
England Fans Furious at £10-a-Pint Lager That’s Too Cold – “Takes the Joy out of Drinking Warm, Flat Beer”
England’s travelling army expressed outrage at stadium beers served cold, fizzy, and for the price of a small utility bill. Fans complained that American lager “lacks commitment” and takes far too long to reach acceptable room temperature. Some attempted to warm drinks by holding them in direct sunlight, while others smuggled tea bags and discussed building a kettle out of car batteries. Several fans declared sobriety a “temporary tactical decision.”
PM Promises Bank Holiday for World Cup Win, Nation Laughs and Plans One Anyway
Sensing an opportunity to appear relatable, the Prime Minister promised a bank holiday should England win the tournament, prompting widespread laughter and immediate unofficial planning. Polls showed voters appreciated the sentiment but rated the likelihood somewhere between “unlikely” and “fictional.” Opposition MPs briefly united to celebrate England goals before returning to normal hostilities over who missed the open net.
England Fans Discover USA Is Slightly Bigger Than Yorkshire, Regret Agreeing to “Drive to the Next Match”
Many England fans only realised the scale of the United States after confidently announcing they’d “just drive” between matches. The phrase “only four states away” lost its charm somewhere around hour nine of the journey. Several supporters now define distance not in miles, but in emotional exhaustion. One fan admitted he’d crossed three time zones and still hadn’t found a service station selling a pie.
Fan Attempts New York & Los Angeles Double-Header, Winds Up Watching Second Match from 30,000 Feet
Inspired by smaller World Cups, one optimistic fan attempted to attend two matches in one day, only to discover North America is less “walkable” than anticipated. After sprinting through an airport and shouting at a departure board, he caught the second half on an in-flight screen with no sound and a screaming toddler. He later described the experience as “authentically international.”
“It’s Called Football!” England Fans Cry, After American PA Says “Soccer” for 14th Time
Tensions rose when stadium announcers repeatedly referred to matches as “soccer games,” triggering involuntary eye twitching among England fans. Attempts to correct the terminology were drowned out by cheerleaders, marching bands, and an announcer urging the crowd to “make some noise.” In Canada, officials apologised profusely while enforcing rules, leaving England fans deeply unsettled by the politeness.
World Cup Match Halted for Ad Break, England Fans Boo Until They Realise It’s Time for a Beer Run
Confusion reigned when play paused mid-match for what appeared to be an advertising opportunity. England fans booed instinctively, then relaxed upon realising it meant time for refreshments. VAR checks were accompanied by sponsorship messages, extending tension and selling crisps simultaneously. One supporter admitted the experience felt “less like football and more like being trapped inside a television.”
FIFA Consider World Cup on Moon After USA/Canada Success – England Fans Already Worry About Rocket Fuel Costs
With matches spread across an entire continent, fans joked that FIFA might as well host the next World Cup on the Moon. England supporters calculated that following the team now requires advanced logistics, flexible employment, and a small inheritance. Climate changes, time zones, and wardrobe requirements have turned the tournament into a survival exercise. Still, fans insist they’ll follow England anywhere, provided there’s a pub, a screen, and something to complain about.
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
