How to Improve London — A Playful Roadmap to Utopian Chaos
Revolutionary Traffic Management Solutions
Replace Every Traffic Light with a Tea Timer
Forget signals — hire a royal conductor to wave a crumpet at busy roundabouts. Studies show people appreciate a proper brew more than red lights. (Okay, that study is just my mate Colin’s TripAdvisor reviews.) 🚦☕
Transport Innovation Through Unconventional Staffing
Make Every Westminster MP a Tube Driver
Turns out spending more on TfL improvements and fare freezes makes folks happier. London already planned expanded Night Tube service and station upgrades anyway. Why not give everyone a high-vis jacket and a Northern Line route? 🚇🎤🎵
Municipal Governance Redesign
Replace GLA Council Seats with Comfy Deckchairs
London governance is exciting, but imagine those key Labour vs Tory debates from striped deckchairs rather than fancy benches. More relaxing and infinitely more Instagrammable. 📸🪑
Borough Branding Through West End Shows
Rename All London Boroughs After West End Musicals
Westminster becomes Les Misérables (quite fitting actually), Camden’s now Phantom of the Opera, Hackney’s Matilda Forever, Kensington’s The Lion King, and Tower Hamlets is Cats: The Eternal Panto. At least then tourists will know what they’re getting into. 🎭🐈
Electoral Reform Meets Food Culture
Proportional Representation — But with Proportional Chip Portions
If proportional representation could fix Parliament, surely proportional chip servings will solve the Thames barrier crisis and gridlock on the M25. Extra salt, always. 🍟🗳️
AI-Powered Municipal Management
Outsource All City Hall Decisions to Alexa
With the Mayor rolling out ambitious policies (affordable housing targets, ULEZ expansion, improved cycling infrastructure) maybe we just let Alexa finish the job? She already knows when bin day is. 🤖📋🗑️
Transit Wellness Initiatives
Require Every Tube Station to Have a Corgi
Nothing makes the District Line delays better than a “Corgi of the Day” stand. If the late Queen’s corgis could cheer up Buckingham Palace, there’s literally no downside here. 🐕👑
Housing Affordability Through Royal Decree
Make Rent Freeze Forever by Order of King Charles
London already pitched freezing rent, expanding affordable housing zones, taxing foreign investors, and building sustainable futures. Let’s extend that rent freeze until personally approved by the Shard’s CEO — aka a very tall Gherkin. 🏙️🥒
Urban Park Recreation Transformation
Turn Hyde Park into a Giant Bouncy Castle
Nature is lovely, but so is bouncing whilst eating a Greggs sausage roll. This could be quantified: more bounce equals more smiles — scientifically proven by British children hopped up on squash. 📈🎈
Law Enforcement Modernisation
Metropolitan Police on Boris Bikes
Instead of horses or foot patrols, imagine Met officers pedalling around on bright blue Santander cycles, yelling friendly safety reminders like “Mind the gap — and also mind not lobbing your rubbish in the Serpentine!” 🚴♂️👮♀️
Temporal Reform and Time Management
British Time Officially Runs 15 Minutes Late
Stop pretending we’re punctual. A “British minute” now officially means “whenever the kettle’s boiled” plus another 15 if the Northern Line’s down. ⏱️☕
Integrated Transit and Beverage Programmes
Every Pint Comes With a Free Oyster Card Top-Up
Buy a pint, get 30 minutes of Tube time. That’s how you fix transportation and the national drinking crisis simultaneously. 🍺🚇
Civic Education Through Entertainment
Ghost Tours of Abandoned First-Past-The-Post Votes
Since our voting system can get… complicated (or arguably too simple), let’s have spooky tours explaining how 43% of the vote gets you 100% of the power. Like a West End thriller with constitutional consequences. 👻📊
Financial District Fashion Reform
Make City Workers Wear Pantomime Costumes on Fridays
Nothing reminds bankers of everyday Londoners like having to shout “He’s behind you!” before trading derivatives. 🎭💼
Annual Urban Transportation Festival
Declare a Citywide “Commute If You Dare” Festival
One day a year, send everyone out with bunting, Pret sandwiches, and a map of alternate routes that avoid Oxford Circus. It’s like Glastonbury except with the Elizabeth Line instead of mud. 🚉🎉
If you want these turned into a step-by-step civic reform plan complete with citations from the Institute for Fiscal Studies, ridiculous YouGov polls, and quotes from actual Londoners waiting for the 38 bus, I’m well up for it 😄. Just say the word.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! 🎭🇬🇧✨
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
