Iranian Government Explains Nationwide Protests Are Actually a Spiritual Team-Building Exercise
The Iranian government has confirmed that the wave of nationwide protests shaking the country is not, as critics have suggested, a sign of economic collapse, political repression, or public rage, but rather a misunderstood “spiritual alignment event” designed to test the people’s faith, patience, and ability to survive without money, electricity, or internet.
State television assured viewers that soaring inflation, currency collapse, and bread prices now rivalling luxury jewellery are “temporary emotional illusions,” encouraged by foreign media and exacerbated by citizens selfishly insisting on eating every day.
According to official messaging, the problem is not governance but expectations.
Economic Collapse Cleverly Rebranded as Spiritual Growth Programme
The rial’s value has plunged so far that economists are now measuring it in historical metaphors rather than numbers. A single note reportedly holds the purchasing power of a polite apology. Authorities insist this is not mismanagement but an intentional humility programme designed to remind citizens that material wealth is fleeting, especially when confiscated.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2025%E2%80%932026_Iranian_protests
Clerics Blame Protests on Citizens Wanting “Unreasonable Luxuries” Like Food and Dignity
Senior officials explained that unrest began when citizens demanded unreasonable luxuries, including affordable housing, employment, and the ability to express opinions without being arrested. Religious leaders clarified that such desires are incompatible with spiritual purity.
One Tehran cleric warned that economic frustration is a gateway emotion that leads directly to moral corruption, dancing, and eventually asking questions, which Islamically speaking is where everything goes wrong.
The government further clarified that unemployment is not real if you simply redefine work as “waiting faithfully.”
Citizens unconvinced by this explanation took to the streets anyway, chanting slogans that authorities described as “deeply offensive” because they contained specific policy critiques rather than vague gratitude.
Internet Shutdown Brilliantly Reframed as “Digital Fasting” for the Soul
In response to protests spreading across all provinces, the government heroically shut down the internet, explaining that communication was enabling coordination, which is both dangerous and Western.
Traditional Values Restored Through Comprehensive Communication Blackout
Officials praised the blackout as a return to traditional values, when people expressed dissent exclusively through whispered complaints and disappearing neighbours.
Authorities insisted the move was for public safety, noting that without the internet, citizens could no longer see videos of security forces beating protesters, which significantly improves national morale.
Experts confirmed that nothing calms civil unrest like making sure nobody can tell anyone else what’s happening.
Revolutionary Guard Rebranded as “Enthusiastic Peace Facilitators”
The Revolutionary Guard and Basij forces were praised for their restraint, defined legally as “only firing sometimes.”
State Media Introduces Innovative “Firm Dialogue Tools” Terminology
State media referred to batons, tear gas, and live ammunition as “firm dialogue tools,” whilst insisting any injuries were caused by protesters falling onto bullets in an uncooperative manner.
Officials reiterated that Iran fully supports peaceful protest, provided it takes place silently, at home, and in the imagination.
When questioned about reported deaths, the government said numbers were “exaggerated” and reminded journalists that counting is difficult during moments of spiritual growth.
https://www.un.org/en/observances/human-rights-day
Bazaar Merchants Gobsmacked to Discover Loyalty Cannot Pay Rent
In a surprising twist, bazaar merchants — historically aligned with the Islamic Republic — joined the protests after discovering ideology does not offset bankruptcy.
Harsh Economic Reality Finally Penetrates Decades of Steadfast Political Support
Shopkeepers closed stalls not out of rebellion, but confusion, having waited patiently for decades for prosperity to arrive and realising it had been rerouted to offshore accounts.
Officials expressed disappointment, stating that merchants should have known profit is haram unless it benefits the correct people.
Protesters Officially Declared “Enemies of God,” Almighty Declines to Comment
The judiciary escalated its response by labelling protesters “enemies of God,” a charge carrying the death penalty and implying divine involvement.
God, through unofficial channels, has not confirmed this partnership.
Clever Judicial Strategy Reframes Civil Dissent as Religious Crime
Analysts note that invoking God is a cost-effective strategy when policy arguments fail, especially when God is unavailable for press conferences.
The charge conveniently reframes dissent as blasphemy, saving time previously wasted addressing grievances.
https://www.atlanticcouncil.org
Government Blames Foreign Meddling Whilst Conveniently Ignoring Millions of Domestic Voices
Officials blamed the protests on foreign interference, citing Western influence, social media, and unspecified “bad vibes.”
Statistical Improbability Deemed Entirely Politically Convenient
This explanation allows the government to avoid acknowledging that millions of Iranians across every province, profession, and age group might independently be angry at the same time.
Experts note this is statistically improbable but politically convenient.
Clerical Leadership Graciously Reassures Public That Everything Is Under Control, Eventually
In a final address, leaders assured citizens the situation is stable and urged patience, prayer, and silence.
They promised reforms would come soon, following extensive meetings, internal reviews, and the heat death of the universe.
Until then, citizens are encouraged to remain calm, stay home, and remember that suffering builds character, especially when imposed from above.
Disclaimer
This satirical article critiques authoritarian governance, theocratic power, and state repression. It supports the rights and dignity of Iranian citizens and targets institutions, not people or faith itself. This work is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No artificial intelligence was harmed or credited in the making of this piece.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. Contact: editor@prat.uk
