App to include mandatory sympathy notifications during workouts
Cyclists Demand Digital Validation of Their Pain
British Peloton users have launched a campaign demanding the fitness app acknowledge their suffering in real-time, proposing features like “?sympathy badges” and automatic messages telling them they’re “doing amazing, sweetie” during particularly brutal climbs. The petition argues that crushing yourself physically while staring at a screen in your spare bedroom deserves more recognition than a generic metrics dashboard.
Instructors’ Enthusiasm ‘Legally Excessive’
Riders specifically cited the “psychologically damaging” cheerfulness of on-screen instructors who maintain inexplicable energy levels while barking commands at exhausted subscribers. “She’s telling me to ‘find my power’ at 6am on a Tuesday,” complained one London-based user. “My power is still asleep. My power doesn’t wake up until at least 10.” Legal experts confirmed that relentless positivity during physical suffering may violate several Geneva Convention provisions.
Leaderboard Renamed ‘Public Humiliation Board’
The petition also demands honest rebranding of the app’s competitive features, with users suggesting the leaderboard more accurately be called “a real-time list of people who are better than you.” One rider noted that watching their username drop from 47th to 4,847th place during a single ride “really captures the essence of why I stopped going to actual gyms.” Developers are reportedly considering a “hide everyone who’s actually trying” option.
Rest Days Now Requiring Doctor’s Note
Perhaps most controversially, the petition requests that the app stop passive-aggressively noting “you haven’t ridden in 3 days” as though users need reminding of their personal failures. “I know I haven’t ridden,” one respondent explained. “That’s called ‘choice.’ Stop monitoring my absence like a disappointed parent.” Peloton has not yet responded, though insiders suggest they’re too busy developing new ways to make people feel inadequate about their fitness levels.
