New Orleans “Bad Moms” To Invade London, Britain Activates Emergency Cultural Protocols | Hip-hop dancing krewe brings American enthusiasm levels to city unprepared for synchronized maternal energy
UK Uses Visa Restrictions to Pressure African Countries, Shocked This Counts as Pressure | Foreign Office discovers economic leverage works both ways
Alexandra Palace Darts Fans Achieve New State of Consciousness, Scientists Baffled by “Fancy Dress Enlightenment” | World Championship attendees transcend normal human experience through combination of beer, costumes, and mathematical precision
Texas High Schoolers to Invade London, Britain Braces for Impact of American Marching Band Enthusiasm | Wichita Falls students prepare to demonstrate what “too much” looks like to half a billion people
PIA Flight to London Described as ‘Rejuvenating Wings of Longing’ | Pakistani airline’s marketing department absolutely losing it
London’s Shoplifting Hotspots Revealed, Surprising Absolutely Nobody | Expensive areas contain expensive items worth stealing, study finds
Morningstar Recommends Sterling Corporate Bond Funds for People Who Find Excitement Boring | Investment analysts identify ‘top picks’ in least thrilling asset class
Collectors Building Platform for Southeast Asian Women Artists in London Accidentally Create World’s Most Specific Cultural Niche | Couple returns from Singapore with 200 artworks and a plan to make London care about extremely particular art category
Egyptian Activist’s Violent Social Media Posts Spark ‘What Took So Long’ Response | UK finally notices concerning content after extended holiday
EasyJet Heroically Rescues New Year by Existing | Airline receives credit for simply having functioning aircraft
BBC Live Coverage Continues Covering Things Live | Broadcaster commits to reporting events as they happen
Peloton UK Riders Petition for ‘Suffering Acknowledgement’ Feature | App to include mandatory sympathy notifications during workouts
Channel Tunnel Declares Independence, Cuts Power to Celebrate | British-French infrastructure opts for ‘sovereign electricity-free state’
