Trump’s New Trade Plan: Chlorinated Chicken for All or Else We Impose a Tariff on Rain
Weather Weaponized Alongside Poultry in Historic Trade Proposal
LONDON — Reports indicate that former President Trump has outlined a new, innovative trade plan: if Britain refuses to sell chlorinated chicken, the U.S. may impose tariffs on rain. Experts say this is the first time in history weather has been weaponized alongside poultry.
“This is not a metaphor,” said Professor Beatrice Hennings, a climatologist with a sideline in political satire. “If a country’s rainfall is taxed, every cup of tea, every puddle, every drizzle becomes a financial transaction. Meanwhile, the chicken industry becomes a moral battlefield.”
British Social Media Responds to Rain Tariff Threats
Britons have taken to social media to mock the idea, posting videos of pouring tea over chemically treated chicken and pretending to weep. One viral tweet read: “I never thought I’d have to choose between my morning brew and my dignity.”
Supermarkets Face Impossible Trade-Off
Supermarkets are caught in a dilemma: comply and risk public backlash, or defy the directive and risk imaginary weather tariffs. A spokesperson for Waitrose said, “We are currently exploring options that involve very polite sarcasm and lots of sandwich boards.”
Trade Analysts Examine Unconventional Tactics
Political commentators note that Trump’s proposal, while bizarre, is consistent with his previous tactics: make the offer sound ludicrous enough that anyone who disagrees appears unreasonable. “He’s essentially holding the British weather hostage to achieve a culinary goal,” said trade analyst Rupert Beak. “It’s brilliant in a disturbing sort of way.”
Local Councils Prepare for Trade-Based Precipitation
Meanwhile, local councils have started preparing for possible chlorine‑rain scenarios, issuing leaflets with titles like “Protect Your Garden from Potential Trade-Based Precipitation”. Residents are confused but oddly amused, with many reporting that their chickens now wear raincoats as a precaution.
Whether this plan has legs remains unclear, but one thing is certain: Britain will never look at poultry—and precipitation—the same way again.
Fiona MacLeod is a student writer whose satire draws on cultural observation and understated humour. Influenced by London’s academic and creative spaces, Fiona’s writing reflects curiosity and thoughtful comedic restraint.
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