Stock market celebrates year-end with ‘performance for empty room’
Market Makes Impressive Gains While Nation Watches Paint Dry
British equities concluded Tuesday’s trading session by drifting slightly upward in what analysts are calling “the financial equivalent of a tree falling in an empty forest.” With most traders either on holiday or pretending to work while actually online shopping, the FTSE indices performed their annual ritual of moving just enough to justify someone’s job existence.
Thin Trading Volume Described as ‘Atmospheric’
Market experts praised Tuesday’s trading conditions as “delightfully meaningless,” with volume so low that individual purchases of three shares were reportedly moving entire sectors. One trader accidentally bought £50 of a mining company and briefly became the largest shareholder. “It’s lovely when you can see your personal impact on the market,” he told reporters. “Usually I’m just a statistically insignificant speck.”
Algorithms Trade With Each Other For Entertainment
With human participation at near-zero levels, automated trading systems were observed engaging in what programmers describe as “having a little chat amongst themselves.” High-frequency trading bots reportedly spent most of Tuesday exchanging the same 100 shares of various companies while discussing their favourite subroutines. One particularly lonely algorithm was caught repeatedly buying and selling its own orders just to feel something.
Market Closes Before Anyone Notices It Opened
The London Stock Exchange confirmed that several companies’ shares didn’t trade at all on Tuesday, though this went largely unnoticed as the companies themselves had also forgotten they were publicly listed. Analysts project similarly impressive “drift” conditions through the New Year period, promising investors weeks of exciting sideways movement that absolutely nobody will remember or care about by January 2nd.